The Preparations...and the "Baggage"

jerseyot.blogspot.com

So, here we are....3 weeks out from THE BIG ONE...by far, THE scariest one I have ever faced...and definitely the most daunting one of all...I'm talking surgeries here but I think you probably already figured that out by now! It's scheduled for TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30th and is expected last 8+ hours, give or take.  This past week, I began to do all the things, which sadly feel quite familiar to me, all over again...the weekly pint of blood donations at the Red Cross (I'll need to do 3 total); the pre-admission testing consisting of a physical, X-rays, EKG, blood work; and oh yeah! Let's not forget the 24/7 nausea and "GI upset," along with the several-times-week panic attacks (which I never experienced, by the way, until this time last year when I was preparing for the 2 surgeries this past January). At this point, I say to myself with a pit in my stomach so heavy and painful it feels like a baseball on fire, "Oh no, I remember this feeling." The surgery is coming and I can't escape it...it's the worst feeling (well, ONE of the worst feelings) I've ever had in my life...and I've had a lot of them...I feel trapped...no way out with only one ugly, scary as hell option ahead of me...I don't want to but I have to...I keep going day after day...I keep the actual surgery so deep down inside of me that the anxiety comes out in panic attacks...but soon it will all be over...soon I will have my life back...

As much as I dreaded the blood donation on Thursday, it was actually quite pleasant. Doesn't sound possible, right? Someone sticks you with a big, fat needle while your heart is pounding and your blood pressure is sky-high and you have to lay there while someone watches your blood drain into a bag and I say how pleasant it was? Well, let. Me explain. I had the most delightful woman, Belinda, calm my fears and reassure me with her calm, confidence and upbeat manner. She said she'd "take good care of me" and that I'd be "just fine when I'm done." She was a breath of fresh air - she smiled and smiled and even when she wasn't smiling, her voice was so light and happy that I forgot where I was and what I had to do. When she saw I had to come back two more times after today, she said to me "Ooooo weeeee, what exactly are you having done if you don't mind my asking? That's a lot blood for a little lady." Hah! Little lady?!?! I'm not so little any more after sitting around for 7 months with a broken back, but I just loved her enthusiasm in asking! So I told her....and she SMILED...yep, she smiled ear to ear and said the same thing as when I first got there. "You'll be just fine. Those doctors and nurses are gonna take good care of you. God won't make you walk thru fire without without seeing the sunlight on the other side. It's in Gods hands. You'll be ok. You will." I loved her tone and her comforting words. Her smile was so incredibly sweet and reassuring. Wouldn't it be nice if EVERYONE you met was as sweet and kind as Belinda?!?! And so it was a great way to start out my morning...and Belinda was just who and what I needed on Thursday...funny how God sends you people just when you need them....

And you know what? She was right...about my experience that day with her and about it being in Gods very able, more than capable hands. I'm scared to death - I'm afraid of how things will turn out - but God didn't make me to be fearful and full of anxiety. He made me to trusting and strong. And I'm trying...to be really trusting and really strong...but it isn't easy...but I know that when I'm too weak to walk and the days are too long and painful to bear, He will carry me through it, as He has done from the beginning and continues to do. I am in the best hands....I'm in Gods hands. I have remind myself of that every single day that sure, this surgery is daunting and terrifying...BUT God has it all under control...My Mom told me she heard something from my Aunt that was so true regarding God and how He will carry all of us through whatever it is that we're facing in life: "I can't, you can, you promised." And God always keeps his promises.

Isaiah 41:10 reads,

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I had my pre-op testing on Friday and as I was driving, that familiar "burning baseball in my stomach" feeling came back. I parked the car, took a deep breath and headed to the hospital. Once I walked in, I sat down and watched Rachel Ray...but that feeling never went away...after 15' I realized I was having trouble catching my breath...my heart was POUNDING a mile a minute...and my fingers were getting tingly...and I remembered the feeling - - a panic attack. It lasted about 20' and then I felt myself starting to breathe slower and I was calming down. But it wasn't completely gone. When I was called into the familiar exam room that I remembered from January, it was still there...my heart rate was 112 bpm just sitting there...doing nothing...can you say "anxiety?" But it was fine...I was fine and I didn't let it overwhelm me. 3 hours later, I was home and exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. It's really going to happen...the surgery...it is all I can do to not vomit when I think of what will happen...

• Remove my "new" screws and rods, which are currently fused from L1-S1 and into my pelvis
• Break the fusion that has already started to heal in order to remove the rods
• Clean out and repair my fractured T12 transverse process
• Fuse T2 all the way down to S1 - - that's a SIXTEEN (16) LEVEL FUSION!!! (OMG)
• Add more pedicle screws from L1 up to T2 so that new, LONGER rods can be put in
• Once again, fuse my spine to my pelvis...O....M....G....

(Deeeeep breath....) When all is said an done, this is pretty much what I will look like...I believe this picture is of from a scoliosis forum friend, "titanium ed" - and he's doing VERY well. I hope my experience is just as successful as his but it's important to note that this was his first surgery, not 5th.

So yeah, I'm anxiety-ridden and full of fear, and BAGGAGE...lots of baggage...who wouldn't be?!?! And it's taking it's toll...my stomach is so upset all the time. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. My mind is racing...I can't answer simple questions sometimes because I'm so lost in my own thoughts. I'm losing weight. I'm irritable and impatient. I am broken. And I am scared. Everyone says how brave I am and strong I am.  And to that I say, "Well thanks but I don't see myself that way at all.  I'm scared to death!  I just have no other choice."  I have to do this because I can't continue to live like this. I want my life back...and my husband, my kids, my family and friends - they want ME back. So do I. I want "Me" because I don't like the person I've become due to all of this.  I want to think about something other than my pain. I want to enjoy my life again.  I want to smile more.  plan family vacations to Canada and summer trips to the zoo and the jersey shore.  I don't want to lie to people when they ask "How are doing?"anymore.  I'm sick of my pain and physical limitations holding me back from life. My kids deserve the best ME possible and right now, I'm not the "me" I want and need to be for them. I'm missing out.  And I pray to GOD this surgery changes that.

I have to admit that facing such a daunting and risky surgery like this makes me analyze my own life: what I did right, what I did wrong, how I could've changed situations where misunderstandings and hurt took over instead of love and acceptance. It makes me really look at and want to mend my fences, right my wrongs and reconcile the broken relationships in my life, regardless of fault. The possibility of facing my own mortality makes me more honest, more true to myself, trust me on that one. If something, God forbid, were to happen to me, I'd want my family and friends to know just how much I love and appreciate all they've done for me.  I want my sister and brother to know how much I love and miss them - how I wish things were different for our families.  I wish my children could know theirs. If there is something that needs to be said, I say it. If there is an apology that needs to said, then I give one...regardless of how much time has passed. If there is forgiveness to be given, then I forgive because God has forgiven me and my very imperfect self.

I pray for alot of things and people in my life lately: my parents, whose unending love, support and selflessness to their family is unlike anything I've even heard of or seen with other families. Their generousity in everything they do is beyond admirable. They should win an award for the countless times they've been there for me and my family, physically...emotionally...spiritually...and I thank God for them every single day of my life. I also pray for my sister (Denise) and brother (Donny)...and their families...and I hope someday they realize just how much I love and miss them and how much I want them back in my life...until then...So, Donny...Denise...If either of you happens to read this, I pray for God to bring you back into my life in some small way....any way....I pray for my nephews, B, G, T and R. I pray for their spouses D and P. I pray that God will bring them all back into my life some day. I pray for softness in your hearts and for love to bring you to me in some small way...an email, a letter, a text, a phone call. Anything. God didn't make me an only child. God made me the 3rd of 3 children in my family and this 3rd child really needs her big brother and sister back in her life. I need you both desperately...so if you're reading this, please find it in your heart to contact me before my surgery (10/30/12). If that isn't possible, please feel free to contact me afterwards. I miss you both terribly...my heart aches for you both...I'm not able to just scratch your names off the slate of my history - - you're both out there - - and I'm right here - - so please, please find it in your heart to contact me. I need you both in my life and I'm in turmoil over not having you or your families know mine. Time may not heal all wounds but it sure does lessen the pain from them. I have long forgiven myself of any wrong-doings i've done to you, just as God has forgiven mine. I'm not preaching but I wish if there were hardness is your heart directed toward me that you'd atleast let me know what it was and work with me to mend those broken fences. If not, there's nothing I can do but wait...and hope...and if I leave this earth and never see either of you again, then please know I tried with all my heart to contact you - - and I prayed endlessly that we'd reunite. And know that I have, and always will, love you both more than you will ever know.

Family© Ryan Guerrero

Not enough hours in the day, we often say
we watch as the business of life allows time slip away.

Before we know days turn to months and months into years,
Time is mapped with laughter and cheers,
the long road sometimes landmarked with sadness and tears.

Elders pass and children grow,
has it been that long we ask, where does the time go?

Not every chance to gather is taken.
"We'll see them next time" we say and hope we're not mistaken.

A chance like now comes once in a lifetime it seems,
when the bright light of family is nurtured and beams,
there will be laughter and time to reminisce
we will all be proud this is a chance we did not miss.