3 Days To Go...

I can't believe I only have less than 3 days left. My husband left at 5am this morning for the airport and week-long training for his new job. That was hard. Knowing he won't be with me in the 'holding area' just before I go in for surgery was really really hard. But neither one of us could change the situation and so we had to accept it and look on the bright side: he'll see me the day after my surgery (on Friday night) and will come straight from the airport as soon as his plane lands. Another bright side is that my Dad will be with me and will have the daunting task of telling the surgeon, "Take good care of her" not once, not twice, but five times now. And I trust that my skillful surgeon and his team will do just that. So instead of crying about what I can't change, I'm making a conscious decision to accept it and hope for the best. 

Today is Picture Day at my kids' school...so of course my daughter was beside herself with joy that she got to wear her favorite dress - my son, well he wasn't quite as overjoyed at the thought of having to dress up in  khaki pants, a button down shirt and sweater. But Oh My LORD, did they look adorable all dressed up...and so grown up too....(sniffle sniffle)....my "babies" are not babies anymore.  In fact, this morning while eating breakfast, my 3-1/2 yr old (out of the blue!) said, "Mommy! Hey Moooommmmmyyyyyy! I'm a 'people' now...I'm not a baby anymore...I'm a 'people,' like you and Nana and PopPop and Daddy" (and so on down the line). Gotta love how 3 yr old's talk. And she's absolutely right. She and her brother aren't babies anymore...they're 'peoples.' And my little 'peoples' have grown into such big kids already!

So with just 3 short and fading days to go, I'm trying to find things to do to keep me occupied and so what a great reason to have another manicure & pedicure 2 weeks in a row?!? It was wonderfully relaxing and it was nice to get out with my Mom for some much-needed pampering. And at the end of my pedicure, when my Mom had already finished and was waiting just a few feet away while sitting in a chair, I was abruptly and very sternly reprimanded by the girl doing my pedicure. I didn't understand one word the whole time I was there - EXCEPT the music! I just nodded and smiled and agreed with everything they said - they could have said they were charging me triple and I would've agreed. So, along comes a song on the radio. One I happen to like, and so quietly under my breath, I start to sing along! Who cant' help but sing along to Tao Cruz "Dynamite" or Will Smith's back-in-the-day 80's tune "Jiggy Wit It" (LOL!) Me!!!  That's who!!!  Well, this happy and smiling nail girl immediately scowled and looked up saying "NO SING!" At first, I didn't know what she said and so I repeated it to her twice saying, "No sing? As in don't sing??" And she again looked up again and said, "NO SING!" - and so what did I do??  Yep...you, guessed it...I sang!  My Mom and I smirked and giggled in utter disbelief at each other from across the room, trying desperately not to laugh out loud let alone, dare I say it, SING! It was hysterical. Ah, the little things in life - - like singing when you're "not allowed." It wasn't like I was ACTUALLY 'gettin' jiggy wit it' - I can barely sit and walk any distance without pain so it's not like I was actually bouncing around in my seat and wiggly all over the place!  Good grief!  Well, my Mom & I got a big laugh from it. I guess I've always had a bit of an edge like that - tell me not to or that I can't and I'm probably gonna! Nothing bad or illegal or anything but when I'm told not to sing when I'm getting my feet massaged and trying to relax!!  Seriously!?!? So that was funny - and for the record, SING WHENEVER YOU WANT!  Life is too short. Like that saying goes, "Dance like nobody's watching and sing like nobody's listening."

This may or may not be my last post before surgery depending on how things go over the next few days so I wanted to share this with you all in case I forget.  I recently got an email from a former co-worker of mine (also an OT). She and I always got along very well and I really miss working there and the people with whom I've worked despite having only worked there briefly. Anyway, in her email, she commented on "how strong" she thought I was. And my immediate knee-jerk reaction is, "Uh, have you seen me lately?! I'm a lot of things but strong is not one of them!" I see myself as just the opposite and said to myself, (self...) "I'm glad I come across as strong because I sure as heck don't FEEL or LOOK strong!" But then something makes me take a step back...it's perspective...it's how I see myself at this point vs. how I saw myself several years ago or even decades ago. Playing soccer all the way up through and including college, I would definitely agree that I was strong back then. Having had two children without pain medication or an epidural, yes, I was most definitely strong then too. But now? Barely getting thru the day and having difficulty doing the most basic tasks (like getting dressed, folding laundry, playing outside with my kids) - I'm not strong at all when I look at myself in those terms. But then I step back...it's perspective...again. I may not have the physical strength I had 20 years ago (or even 5 or 10 years ago), but I've gained strength mentally and spiritually that I would have never believed possible 5 years ago. I have found new strength, renewed strength in things like relationships...with friends, with family members, with myself...with God. I realize that my physical strength may not be what it once was (and most likely it will never be that way again) but my inner strength (strength I didn't even know I had until I was faced with what 2012 has brought me) has grown, matured, flourished in the face of these trials, set-backs, pain and uncertainty. I have grown in ways I never thought possible despite my declining physical strength. At times my mental strength is pitiful and I crumble but that's being human...and that's ok...and what I'm facing is painful and difficult, not just for me but for my husband, my children, my parents...everyone.  And so if someone makes mention of my 'strength,' I give it all to God's grace because without Him I wouldn't be able to get through all of this.

I see it like this: God is driving this train and I'm just going along for the ride. Granted, sometimes the ride is pretty bumpy and sometimes it feels like the train is going too fast and will derail at any moment. And if it does, He is with me; I am not alone. I will never be left alone. He promised and I trust Him. As isolating as this situation feels and as small as my physical world has gotten as a result of my pain and limitations - I am NOT alone. I think for the first time in my almost 40 yrs of life, I'm actually starting to believe that. And that's progress....HUGE progress from where I was 18 months ago! 

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (Psalm 62:1-2)