Well, this time next week, on Thursday night (11/15/2012), I will hopefully resting comfortably in ICU following what I hope and pray will be a very successful surgery. I'm trying to keep myself busy, mentally and physically - well, ok mostly mentally...the physically part basically consists of me walking my 7 month old yellow lab, Molson (as in the beer) around the block, but at least it gets me out of the house and doing something. I've also become highly skilled in the art of folding and refolding clothes - mainly my kids clothes - they could care less how long it took Mommy or Nana to meticulously fold their little shirts and pants and place them neatly in their drawers. They just rummage through them like the kitchen 'junk drawer' (c'mon, you know you have one too!) My husband and I went out for a loooooong overdue 'date night' last weekend and we had a great time. It was so nice to just sit and talk and not worry about whose touching who at the dinner table or whose tossing what they don't want to eat onto the floor. So this is what sanity feels like?!?! It's been so long I forgot what it felt like, and it was just wonderful to get out with my husband, even if it was only for a few short hours. We have another 'date night' with my church group this Saturday night as well - - woo hoo for us - - going out 2 weekend nights in a row! I can't wait to get out again; it will be our last date night for quite some time...
Mentally, it's been a bit harder for me to occupy the spaces of my brain and retain important or useful information for more than a few minutes...and then I'm confused and the information and what I thought was correct becomes jumbled and incorrect. And if it requires more than 2 steps, forget it! Ok, (1) open microwave, (2) insert strawberry PopTart....uh....oh yeah, press 'start' - NO, enter 20 seconds then press start. And be sure to remove the FOIL WRAPPING! You should SEE the sparks that fly when you don't (not that I know first hand or anything....I'm just saying...) Anyway, if you ask anyone whose had regular contact with me, especially the poor (and very patient, understanding) teachers at my children's school, they'll tell you just how mushy my brain and memory has become. If I'm not forgetting this, I'm mixing up that. It's terrible. And for anyone who knows me....really knows me, they know that I am sooooooo not like that. Not all that long ago, I was sharp as a tack, had a list (and highlighter) for anything...no erasing, just rewrite the whole darn thing! Now I'm lucky if I remember to bring my phone, which contains the list of items I need at the store. And I'm no psychologist, but I'm fairly certain it's due to the amount of stress and anxiety I'm feeling at this point. If I'm not worrying about whether or not I'll be ok after all is said and done next week, I'm worrying about my husband, my 2 young children, my parents. All of this has taken such a toll on my family. And we're all exhausted...mentally, physically, spiritually...2012 was definitely NOT one of our better years and I'm very hopeful that 2013 will be alot better for us.
My friend at church, who is extremely active in a variety of ministries, including book studies sent me this excerpt from a book they're reading called "Unglued," by Lysa TerKeurst. In in, the author is discussing some Bible versus (Romans 12:2, 2 Corinthians 10:5, Jeremiah 29:11). She sent the following to me because when she was reading the book, she thought of me. It's no secret I've been struggling...with everything...I will end this post with an excerpt from the book that seems have my name written all over it...it is so unbelievably true no matter what mountain you're climbing or what stuggles you're dealing with.
"I can't control the things that happen to me each day, but I can control how I think about them. I can say to mgyself, 'I
have a choice to have destructive thoughts or constructive thoughts right now.
I can wallow in what's wrong and make things worse or I can ask God
for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don't feel good. Indeed,
when we gain new perspectives we can see new ways of thinking...But I couldn't
just say it or think it. I had to believe it. And in order to believe it, I had
to settle a matter of trust in my heart. Could I trust God and believe
that He is working out something good even from things that seem no good? You see, if I know there
is potential good hidden within each chaotic situation, I can loosen my grip on
control. It's easier to loosen my grip when I can see the good. When I can't
immediately see the good, loosening my grip becomes a matter of trust. Either
way, as long as I believe - really believe - God is there and that He is out to
do me good. I can stop freaking out trying to fix things on my own. I can rest
in the fact that God is in control which means I can face things that are out
of my control."
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