8 DAYS TO GO.....

 

The "8 Ball."  Am I behind it or in front of it?!?!  I have no idea why, but I like the look of a big black and white 8 ball staring me in the face. In "pool" or billiards, if you sink it, game over. I don't plan on sinking my eight ball anytime soon!  I look at that big 8 and I "feel" lucky, fortunate, blessed, whatever term you prefer. No idea why but I do. About a year ago, I said to my (new at the time) friend Heather, "I am so lucky to have found HOPE Church and to have made so many new friends here." She just smiled and got this funny look in her eyes and said say, "Oh Sweetie, luck had nothing to do with it - the Holy Spirit had His hands all over this one." And was absolutely right. Luck had NOTHING to do with it. I found myself saying that exact phrase to my Dad a few weeks ago when I took him to 'my church' - I had introduced him to the Pastor and my Dad said something like, "She is so lucky to have found such a wonderful church and so many wonderful friends here at HOPE." The Pastor and I looked at each other and then I smiled and said, "Dad, luck had nothing to do with it. The Holy Spirit had His hands all over this one." What a great moment.

Somehow 8 days seems like an eternity, yet it seems like it's right around the corner too...like next weeks' corner! I remember counting down the days until my very first surgery - I was so naive back then; totally blind as to the mountain I would have to climb once all was said and done. I remember being a little nervous but ir wasn't all-consuming; I was young and had no idea what I was about to do and just how much pain I would be in afterwards. In a way, it was good - sometimes not knowing is better - but I know now - and it doesn't help.

 

A person, I'll call her an 'acquaintance' (and she will remain anonymous) said to me a couple months ago when she learned of my upcoming surgery (with a bit of an 'edge' to her tone I might ad) ,  "Well it's probably like childbirth, right? Somehow your body just knows what to do and just does it?" "Uh NO! It's nothing like childbirth but thanks for offering your unbelievably idiotic point of view." I was so taken back by her comments, I just chalked it up to ignorance. Childbirth lasts for hours, some times 4 to 24 but it's only hours, (and yes in rare instances days) but it doesn't last weeks, months or years; childbirth was something I excitedly anticipated because in the end, we would get to hold our beautiful little baby in our arms; and childbirth was a magical, miraculous process that only women are blessed enough to experience. It reinforces our strength (Our poor husbands wouldn't last 2 minutes into labor! Sorry guys). Spinal fusion surgery is nothing like childbirth. Absurd! I guess I can't fault her for having no clue as to what it's like to go through something like this - it's like trying to explain heaven. You couldn't possibly describe it unless you've actually been there and even when you've been there and it's not your time and you come back, you still can't explain or describe it - unless you've been there! In hindsight, I think in her own way, she was probably trying to make conversation as well as try to ease my mind. Either way, it didn't work.

There is just no way on God's green earth I can compare this surgery to childbirth; having experienced both several times now, trust me on this one. When surgeons are pulling out DeWalt power tools and hammers, you know it's bad. Unless you've actually HAD this kind of excruciatingly painful, extensive, invasive, pain-so-bad-you-can't-imagine-it-if-you-tried surgery, then you can't (and shouldn't) attempt to compare it to anything (other than maybe open heart surgery)! I had both of my children au naturale...just me, myself and I working towards a common goal - get that baby out...and fast!!! At least with childbirth, there was a beautiful baby at the end...there was a "prize" - there was this teeny tiny, squishy, beautiful baby at the end of all that hard work and within 30 minutes of  I felt great! No so with this kind of surgery. I like to think that when I'm in that operating room, all the angels in my life will be crowded around me watching over me that there will hardly be any room for the surgeon and his team of physicians.

With this type of surgery, especially a 15-level fusion, there really IS no "prize." There is the 'chance' of a parting gift, like a 40% chance of 'some' pain relief. Daunting be very necessary. There is no magic cure for scoliosis - no pill, no exercise, no operation will ever get rid of it. It's painful, very painful at times. Scoliosis surgery gives no guarantee of pain relief, no guarantee of improved quality of life, and certainly no guarantee that significant complications can arise (like bleeding, infection, need for more surgery, non-fusion, hardware defect and most important, surgical competence of the man or woman operating on you!) Surviving the 8-10 hour surgery and not catching staph or some other kind of infection is like throwing the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. You don't really "get" a prize. You get (at best) Happy Meal toy, which may or may not result in less pain, more mobility, less physical deformity and more life-living activities.You wake up in agony, remain there for days, then you're sent home (often still in extreme pain) to remain there some more. I'm not trying to be a downer but this is the reality of it. I'm just being honest - which is what I said I be when I first started this blog. Some may ask, "Then why even bother going through such an ordeal?" My answer is quite simply: "Them. Those two beautiful children pictured below that God gave me. They deserve to have their Mommy back and I'm going to try and give her to them."

As much I want to do this for ME and for the chance of a life with even a little less pain, I'm also doing it for those 2 beautiful kids. I'm going to try and give them "me" back - because I'm not the same "me" I was even a year or two ago. I'm grumpy, impatient, in constant pain. It's not their fault we can't go to the park, or zoo or on day trips or outings...it's mine..."Mommy's back hurts" - that's all they hear. And it's not fair to them (or me or my husband). It's become normal for us to stay in all the time. And when we DO go out somewhere, they're so excited! How sad is that??  As for this surgery, it's the only option I have right now. Right now, today, I'm merely existing. Going through the motions in constant pain. I don't whine and moan about it...but people who know me say they can "see it" - my facial gestures, the way I'm walking, just how I look. When you get to the point where I am, quite simply, what do you have to lose???  Nothing!!! When your kids refer to the hospital bed in the living room as "Mommy's bed" or 'Mommy's room," you know it has gotten bad. This hospital bed has sadly become another piece of furniture in my living room, like the couch and end tables. I sleep alone, every single night down here; I can't sleep in my own bed because I can't roll over with tugging on my husband and waking him with all my grunt-filled attempts at rolling over. My 12 yr old pup Macy keeps me company. But it is lonely. And it is time for something to go my way. And I'm praying that this surgery is it. I have plenty of time to think down here by myself - and so I dream of the time where I'll be able to kick a soccer ball with my son and not have to stop after 3 or 4 kicks b/c it just hurts too much; I would love, for once in my life, to NOT worry about how far or how long I'll have to sit in the car to go somewhere; to wake up or go to bed without all this pain; to sleep more than 3 hours every night; I would just love to have my life back.

 

With no other options on the table, I really AM looking the bull in the eye and saying "C'mon, I'm ready." And I am. I'm ready to have a chance of getting even a small portion of my LIFE back...I'm tired of being a spectator in my own life and it's time I got back into the game of life....of living life with my family, friends, etc; of going to the zoo or taking day trips to Ocean City. Now that I'm facing surgery #5 in just 8 days, my stomach is remembering all-too-well the pain that i will once again be facing. I have to admit though - that through every trial and tribulation, thru all of my ups and downs, through all of my physical gains and even the setbacks, I never threw my hands in the air said "That's it. I give up. I'm done." I can't...for the sake of my husband and children, I can't just give up and remain stuck here" thinking about all the things I'm missing out on and what I wish I could be doing. A family vacation - could you imagine!?!?! I'm tired of merely existing...therefore, I'm trusting God that He will carry me through this operation and recuperation - He is all that I need and He will carry me through the difficult times like He has done time and time again, whether I realized it at the time or not.

 

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb

You carry me, Jesus carry me.

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need

You are everything,

You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder for me
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek

You are everything in my time of need