But today was different. I can't explain how...or why...but I had an amazing encounter with God. I felt very strongly that I just had to go visit my grandmother and aunt and uncle (who live about 15 minutes away) immediately...like as soon as I hung up the phone. I can't explain it. But I'll do my best to describe it. However, I already know I won't do my experience justice. Unless you're me, you couldn't possibly understand what came over me and how different I left compared to when I arrived. Little did I know what was to happen an hour into my visit.
We all sat in the family room and as I entered, limping and wearing my "2nd skin" (my clamshell), they were all sitting around almost in a circle on various pieces of furniture and they ALL had smiles on their faces. It was delightful to walk into that room given the stress and struggles here at home. I made my way around the circle, greeting each one with a kiss on the cheek, paying particular care to not bend over too far. My uncle is such a fighter, having had open heart surgery just 2 weeks ago, and now he's home and was sitting upright in a chair; not to mention, he climbs 2 split-level staircases to sleep in his own bed each night! I can't even do that. He is so strong for having gone through such an ordeal. Next was "Nana," bright and sunny Nana, sitting on the couch, lop-sided, as she always is. She looks amazing for a woman about to turn 97 in just 2 months! A little hard of hearing (ok...a LOT!) but aside from that, she's doing great. My aunt was next and she is just always so full of hope and sincerity, asking how I'm doing and feeling and never forgetting to remind that they pray each night for me as a family. What a blessing I am to have such a loving, supportive family right here in my own back yard when so many are too far for me to drive. And then my cousin, "Big Mac" (his name is Matt), as my 5 yr old calls him. But he's not big anymore...he's "thin, muscular Mac/Matt" - he looks wonderful and he has been my saving grace (and so have his sisters!) when it came to the ER visits and 911 calls where he would rush over to watch my kids while I was off to the hospital for a fall, or chest pains, etc. Again, I am blessed to have such support and love.
The doorbell rang about 40' into my visit. I thought maybe the lady who entered was a PT coming to have a therapy session with my uncle. It was actually a woman from their church, Mary, who came to bring Holy Communion to them, as she has done since my uncle came home from the hospital. Talk about a compassionate, upbeat, genuine person?!?! She also brought with her a prayer with a photo of Padre Pio on it. What a powerful prayer! I didn't make it 1/2-way through her opening prayer before I was completely overcome with emotion and was literally trying to muffle and silence my tears. But I couldn't. She spoke first that Christ was the first to suffer (on the cross) and that since he suffered and died for us, He will suffer with us and carry us through our suffering, no matter what. He will not leave us to suffer alone, in silence, in turmoil. He is there with us. Always. Mary then began to read the prayer of Padre Pio and oh the tears! They flowed and flowed, and as I wiped them away reverantly as Mary continued to read, they continued to flow down my cheek, dropping one by one onto my back brace. She then asked if she could lay her hands on me and pray for me and of course, I agreed. And moved once again, I was. Beyond words. I had no intention of becoming such a spectacle, but when the Spirit moves you, He moves you...and you have no choice but to accept it. And I did. Happily and with great gratitude.
Shortly after Mary left, my uncle turned to me said, "Ya know what? You can run...but you can't hide! Jesus will find you. And He found you today. He'll always find you because He never leaves you." And as I made my way to the door, giving each one a kiss on the cheek, I found myself hesitating in the doorway, soaking up the room and the loved ones in it like a picture. I realized it might be the last time I see them. I'm so scared for what is to come that I honestly don't know if I'll see them again. I know it's in God's very capable hands now and whatever will be will be. I can't change it so I need to stop worrying about it and just try to enjoy the time right now (3 wks to the day) with my family while I'm still mobile and not recovering (again). I pray every day that God will bring me through this surgery with flying colors. "His Will be done" as my Mom would say. I guess I feel compelled to share this very personal, very moving experience and God's message of FAITH and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE with the world because deep down, I don't believe it's my message at all...
(Below is the prayer that Mary read):
Stay with me Lord, because I am weak, and I need Your strength, so that I may not fall so often.
Stay with me Lord, for You are my life, and without You, I am without fervor.
Stay with me Lord, for You are my light, and without you, I am in darkness.
Stay with me Lord, to show me Your will.
Stay with me Lord, so that I hear Your voice and follow You.
Stay with me Lord, for I desire to love you very much, and always be in Your Company.
Stay with me Lord, if You wish me to be faithful to You.
Stay with me Lord, for as poor as my soul is, I want it to be a place of consolation for You, a nest of Love.
Stay with me, Jesus, for it is getting late, and the day is coming to a close, and life passes, death, judgment, eternity approach. It is necessary to renew my strength, so that I will not stop along the way and for that, I need You. It is getting late and death approaches. I fear the darkness, the temptations, the dryness, the cross, the sorrows. O how I need You, my Jesus, in this night of exile.
Stay with me tonight, Jesus, in life with all its dangers, I need You.
Let me recognize You as Your disciples did at the breaking of bread, so that the Eucharistic Communion be the light which disperses the darkness, the force which sustains me, the unique joy of my heart.
Stay with me Lord, because at the hour of my death, I want to remain united to you, if not by Communion, at least by grace and love.
Stay with me Jesus, I do not ask for divine consolation because I do not merit it, but the gift of Your presence, oh yes, I ask this of You.
Stay with me Lord, for it is You alone I look for, Your Love, Your Grace, Your Will, Your Heart, Your Spirit, because I love You and ask no other reward but to love You more and more.
With a firm love, I will love You with all my heart while on earth and continue to love You perfectly during all eternity. Amen.
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