I'm HOME...And On The Mend...

Well, a month in the hospital is something no one expected...ever! But I'm home! Finally...and in time for Christmas. Like my surgeon warned me, there was the potential for complications and I had several. The first surgery (the only one scheduled!) on 11/15/12 went well, all things considered. It was a long and grueling surgery and it was very painful coming out of anesthesia with 32 pedicle screws and 2 new rods on either side of my spine. But little did I know, that would be the least of my worries. 5 days later, I was put on the emergency surgery roster for excess fluid drainage from my 20" incision. The "washout surgery" was supposed to take about an hour but it took 4 due to the discovery of blood clots and CSF (cerebrospinal fluid) in my incision as well as a staph infection. SO, once I was all cleaned up and closed up and back in ICU, the hardest and most surprising part was coming off the ventilator. I had an extremely difficult time breathing on my own apparently and it took many hours for them to successfully extubate me without stopping breathing or having my oxygen levels drop. Eventually, I was moved to back to my room. The next day, I had trouble breathing and it was painful to take a deep breath. After an x-ray, it was discovered that I had bilateral pleural effusions and later that afternoon, my Dad came back to the hospital to be with me while I had the fluid removed from my lungs (well, really the area around my lungs...the space where your organs lie is called your pleural cavity; mine had filled approximately 40% with fluid).

After 8 days, I was transferred to a nearby inpatient rehab hospital, which was nothing like the experience I had when I went there in January following my initial fusion. The "room" was more like a "ward," holding 4 other patients and we were all sharing a bathroom and shower. It was a daily occurrence to see urine-soaked adult diapers on the floor in the bathroom and for a somewhat self-admitted germ-phob, this was my worst nightmare. "Privacy" consisted of pulling my curtain over in an area which barely covered my bed and having a "private" discussion with healthcare providers there was impossible. Aside from that, I had completed just 4 days of therapy before being transferred back to my original hospital (where I had surgery) for high fevers, chills and night sweats. I spent 13 hours in the ER before being admitted to a room and at that point, I had gotten very little pain medication and was in a ton of pain. It was nearly midnight by the time I had gotten a room and I arrived at 10:30am so to say it was a long day is an understatement.

The next day a ton of doctors came in to see me and by mid-morning, it was clear I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I had a fever of 102.6, chills so bad my teeth would chatter and my body would shake, sweats that required a change of clothes every 2-3 hours because I was soaking wet from the fever and a rash on my stomach and back. After a week in the hospital, 1000 blood tests and fevers that ranged from 102 to 103.8, the doctors were stumped. By the end of the week my blood count had dropped to an extremely low 6.4 (normal is 12), they decided to do a CT of my entire body - and they reserved an OR "in case they found something."  HUH??? In case you FIND something?!?!?! I was terrified. They didn't even know what they were looking for...yet they reserved an OR 'just in case.' Well, by the grace of God the CT revealed nothing abnormal...it was negative (thank God).

It was determined that when they put me on this medication to treat my staph infection from my incision, I had a severe allergic reaction to it. I had been on in for almost 2 weeks at this point, which is when a reaction would most likely occur. Allergic reactions are common but according to the doctors, an allergic reaction to this degree is not - as is having all 3 top symptoms: high fevers (over 102.4), chills and sweats, and rash. Lucky me I had all three. So once the medication was stopped and my system was continually flushed with the IV fluids, I started to improve. Within 3 days, I felt like a new person...no fevers, no rash, no chills or sweats. So I was discharged late Tuesday night, and as my husband carefully got me into the car, the cold air on my face felt amazing...so refreshing...he shut the door and by the time he opened his door and sat down, I was holding my face and bawling my eyes out...I was going home...finally...one month after entering the hospital for back surgery, I was leaving...having overcome so much more than surgical pain...I'm so grateful for being home - - and for being home in time for Christmas is just an extra special bonus. We definitely hit some bumpy and scary roads, but we made it...I say "we" because I didn't do this alone...my family played a host of roles including but not limited to babysitter for my 2 kids, cook, taxi, psychologist, listener when I needed to talk (or cry) and friend. "We" could not have done this alone - and "we" are very grateful that we're ALL here to celebrate the holidays together. I know 2013 will be better than 2012 - it certainly won't be as challenging and with the new year brings new hopes, new dreams and new experiences. And "WE" are looking forward to them all.

9 hours to go....

All I can say at this point is...there's no turning back! I'm about 9 hours away from what I am praying will be a safe, successful spinal repair of a badly fractured T12 as well as an entire-length spinal fusion with the exception of my neck. When all is said and done, I will be fused (literally) from top to bottom...but "All is well."

At bedtime, my 3 yr old cried for me for 10' and after that I just had to go in and hold her - rock her - one more time....before....well, then I went into my son's room and he was a little less upset but no less emotional - so after calming his fears of me going into the hospital (again), I reminded him that next week was a big day for Mommy - and that it just so happened that my birthway would be the same day as Thanksgiving this year - and he thought that was cool. BUT, then I made him promise me he would draw me a picture of a "Burkey" - - and he looked at me like "huh?" - - and I said, "Yep, I want a picture of a big fat yummy "burkey" - a birthday turkey! Can you make me one and color it in and draw a bunch of candles on it for me!?!?" And my son, "the professor" as we call him says (as he's giggling the sweetest little giggle you've ever heard) "Yeah, I will...but Mom, can't I just put a '4' and '0' on it...I don't want to draw 40 candles!"  HAHAHAHA!!!  That's JUST what I needed - a good laugh myself, complements of my almost 5 yr old. God I love those kids...tantrums and 'breakfast with a big bowl of grumpy flakes' days and all...they're my life...and I'm so blessed to have them in my life.

 

So with that, I hope I left you with a smile on your face and as much hope in your hearts as I have in mine. My "family" has grown by leaps and bounds over the past year, and I am so incredibly grateful and blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. I honestly don't know how my family and I could have managed to make it through this year without ALL of your love, support and friendships. So don't worry too much - I have an incredibly talented surgeon, an unbelievable support system and a solid faith in God that I will be ok...and in the not-too-distant future, my family and I will wonder how we ever weathered that year...2012...

 

Until I see you again....

 



3 Days To Go...

I can't believe I only have less than 3 days left. My husband left at 5am this morning for the airport and week-long training for his new job. That was hard. Knowing he won't be with me in the 'holding area' just before I go in for surgery was really really hard. But neither one of us could change the situation and so we had to accept it and look on the bright side: he'll see me the day after my surgery (on Friday night) and will come straight from the airport as soon as his plane lands. Another bright side is that my Dad will be with me and will have the daunting task of telling the surgeon, "Take good care of her" not once, not twice, but five times now. And I trust that my skillful surgeon and his team will do just that. So instead of crying about what I can't change, I'm making a conscious decision to accept it and hope for the best. 

Today is Picture Day at my kids' school...so of course my daughter was beside herself with joy that she got to wear her favorite dress - my son, well he wasn't quite as overjoyed at the thought of having to dress up in  khaki pants, a button down shirt and sweater. But Oh My LORD, did they look adorable all dressed up...and so grown up too....(sniffle sniffle)....my "babies" are not babies anymore.  In fact, this morning while eating breakfast, my 3-1/2 yr old (out of the blue!) said, "Mommy! Hey Moooommmmmyyyyyy! I'm a 'people' now...I'm not a baby anymore...I'm a 'people,' like you and Nana and PopPop and Daddy" (and so on down the line). Gotta love how 3 yr old's talk. And she's absolutely right. She and her brother aren't babies anymore...they're 'peoples.' And my little 'peoples' have grown into such big kids already!

So with just 3 short and fading days to go, I'm trying to find things to do to keep me occupied and so what a great reason to have another manicure & pedicure 2 weeks in a row?!? It was wonderfully relaxing and it was nice to get out with my Mom for some much-needed pampering. And at the end of my pedicure, when my Mom had already finished and was waiting just a few feet away while sitting in a chair, I was abruptly and very sternly reprimanded by the girl doing my pedicure. I didn't understand one word the whole time I was there - EXCEPT the music! I just nodded and smiled and agreed with everything they said - they could have said they were charging me triple and I would've agreed. So, along comes a song on the radio. One I happen to like, and so quietly under my breath, I start to sing along! Who cant' help but sing along to Tao Cruz "Dynamite" or Will Smith's back-in-the-day 80's tune "Jiggy Wit It" (LOL!) Me!!!  That's who!!!  Well, this happy and smiling nail girl immediately scowled and looked up saying "NO SING!" At first, I didn't know what she said and so I repeated it to her twice saying, "No sing? As in don't sing??" And she again looked up again and said, "NO SING!" - and so what did I do??  Yep...you, guessed it...I sang!  My Mom and I smirked and giggled in utter disbelief at each other from across the room, trying desperately not to laugh out loud let alone, dare I say it, SING! It was hysterical. Ah, the little things in life - - like singing when you're "not allowed." It wasn't like I was ACTUALLY 'gettin' jiggy wit it' - I can barely sit and walk any distance without pain so it's not like I was actually bouncing around in my seat and wiggly all over the place!  Good grief!  Well, my Mom & I got a big laugh from it. I guess I've always had a bit of an edge like that - tell me not to or that I can't and I'm probably gonna! Nothing bad or illegal or anything but when I'm told not to sing when I'm getting my feet massaged and trying to relax!!  Seriously!?!? So that was funny - and for the record, SING WHENEVER YOU WANT!  Life is too short. Like that saying goes, "Dance like nobody's watching and sing like nobody's listening."

This may or may not be my last post before surgery depending on how things go over the next few days so I wanted to share this with you all in case I forget.  I recently got an email from a former co-worker of mine (also an OT). She and I always got along very well and I really miss working there and the people with whom I've worked despite having only worked there briefly. Anyway, in her email, she commented on "how strong" she thought I was. And my immediate knee-jerk reaction is, "Uh, have you seen me lately?! I'm a lot of things but strong is not one of them!" I see myself as just the opposite and said to myself, (self...) "I'm glad I come across as strong because I sure as heck don't FEEL or LOOK strong!" But then something makes me take a step back...it's perspective...it's how I see myself at this point vs. how I saw myself several years ago or even decades ago. Playing soccer all the way up through and including college, I would definitely agree that I was strong back then. Having had two children without pain medication or an epidural, yes, I was most definitely strong then too. But now? Barely getting thru the day and having difficulty doing the most basic tasks (like getting dressed, folding laundry, playing outside with my kids) - I'm not strong at all when I look at myself in those terms. But then I step back...it's perspective...again. I may not have the physical strength I had 20 years ago (or even 5 or 10 years ago), but I've gained strength mentally and spiritually that I would have never believed possible 5 years ago. I have found new strength, renewed strength in things like relationships...with friends, with family members, with myself...with God. I realize that my physical strength may not be what it once was (and most likely it will never be that way again) but my inner strength (strength I didn't even know I had until I was faced with what 2012 has brought me) has grown, matured, flourished in the face of these trials, set-backs, pain and uncertainty. I have grown in ways I never thought possible despite my declining physical strength. At times my mental strength is pitiful and I crumble but that's being human...and that's ok...and what I'm facing is painful and difficult, not just for me but for my husband, my children, my parents...everyone.  And so if someone makes mention of my 'strength,' I give it all to God's grace because without Him I wouldn't be able to get through all of this.

I see it like this: God is driving this train and I'm just going along for the ride. Granted, sometimes the ride is pretty bumpy and sometimes it feels like the train is going too fast and will derail at any moment. And if it does, He is with me; I am not alone. I will never be left alone. He promised and I trust Him. As isolating as this situation feels and as small as my physical world has gotten as a result of my pain and limitations - I am NOT alone. I think for the first time in my almost 40 yrs of life, I'm actually starting to believe that. And that's progress....HUGE progress from where I was 18 months ago! 

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (Psalm 62:1-2)

6 Days To Go....

Well, this time next week, on Thursday night (11/15/2012), I will hopefully resting comfortably in ICU following what I hope and pray will be a very successful surgery. I'm trying to keep myself busy, mentally and physically - well, ok mostly mentally...the physically part basically consists of me walking my 7 month old yellow lab, Molson (as in the beer) around the block, but at least it gets me out of the house and doing something. I've also become highly skilled in the art of folding and refolding clothes - mainly my kids clothes - they could care less how long it took Mommy or Nana to meticulously fold their little shirts and pants and place them neatly in their drawers. They just rummage through them like the kitchen 'junk drawer' (c'mon, you know you have one too!) My husband and I went out for a loooooong overdue 'date night' last weekend and we had a great time. It was so nice to just sit and talk and not worry about whose touching who at the dinner table or whose tossing what they don't want to eat onto the floor. So this is what sanity feels like?!?!  It's been so long I forgot what it felt like, and it was just wonderful to get out with my husband, even if it was only for a few short hours. We have another 'date night' with my church group this Saturday night as well - - woo hoo for us - - going out 2 weekend nights in a row!  I can't wait to get out again; it will be our last date night for quite some time...

Mentally, it's been a bit harder for me to occupy the spaces of my brain and retain important or useful information  for more than a few minutes...and then I'm confused and the information and what I thought was correct becomes jumbled and incorrect. And if it requires more than 2 steps, forget it!  Ok, (1) open microwave, (2) insert strawberry PopTart....uh....oh yeah, press 'start' - NO, enter 20 seconds then press start. And be sure to remove the FOIL WRAPPING! You should SEE the sparks that fly when you don't (not that I know first hand or anything....I'm just saying...)  Anyway, if you ask anyone whose had regular contact with me, especially the poor (and very patient, understanding) teachers at my children's school, they'll tell you just how mushy my brain and memory has become. If I'm not forgetting this, I'm mixing up that. It's terrible. And for anyone who knows me....really knows me, they know that I am sooooooo not like that. Not all that long ago, I was sharp as a tack, had a list (and highlighter) for anything...no erasing, just rewrite the whole darn thing! Now I'm lucky if I remember to bring my phone, which contains the list of items I need at the store. And I'm no psychologist, but I'm fairly certain it's due to the amount of stress and anxiety I'm feeling at this point. If I'm not worrying about whether or not I'll be ok after all is said and done next week, I'm worrying about my husband, my 2 young children, my parents. All of this has taken such a toll on my family. And we're all exhausted...mentally, physically, spiritually...2012 was definitely NOT one of our better years and I'm very hopeful that 2013 will be alot better for us.

My friend at church, who is extremely active in a variety of ministries, including book studies sent me this excerpt from a book they're reading called "Unglued," by Lysa TerKeurst. In in, the author is discussing some Bible versus (Romans 12:2, 2 Corinthians 10:5, Jeremiah 29:11). She sent the following to me because when she was reading the book, she thought of me. It's no secret I've been struggling...with everything...I will end this post with an excerpt from the book that seems have my name written all over it...it is so unbelievably true no matter what mountain you're climbing or what stuggles you're dealing with.

"I can't control the things that happen to me each day, but I can control how I think about them. I can say to mgyself, 'I have a choice to have destructive thoughts or constructive thoughts right now. I can wallow in what's wrong and make things worse or I can ask God for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don't feel good. Indeed, when we gain new perspectives we can see new ways of thinking...But I couldn't just say it or think it. I had to believe it. And in order to believe it, I had to settle a matter of trust in my heart. Could I trust God and believe that He is working out something good even from things that seem no good? You see, if I know there is potential good hidden within each chaotic situation, I can loosen my grip on control. It's easier to loosen my grip when I can see the good. When I can't immediately see the good, loosening my grip becomes a matter of trust. Either way, as long as I believe - really believe - God is there and that He is out to do me good. I can stop freaking out trying to fix things on my own. I can rest in the fact that God is in control which means I can face things that are out of my control."

 

 

 

 

8 DAYS TO GO.....

 

The "8 Ball."  Am I behind it or in front of it?!?!  I have no idea why, but I like the look of a big black and white 8 ball staring me in the face. In "pool" or billiards, if you sink it, game over. I don't plan on sinking my eight ball anytime soon!  I look at that big 8 and I "feel" lucky, fortunate, blessed, whatever term you prefer. No idea why but I do. About a year ago, I said to my (new at the time) friend Heather, "I am so lucky to have found HOPE Church and to have made so many new friends here." She just smiled and got this funny look in her eyes and said say, "Oh Sweetie, luck had nothing to do with it - the Holy Spirit had His hands all over this one." And was absolutely right. Luck had NOTHING to do with it. I found myself saying that exact phrase to my Dad a few weeks ago when I took him to 'my church' - I had introduced him to the Pastor and my Dad said something like, "She is so lucky to have found such a wonderful church and so many wonderful friends here at HOPE." The Pastor and I looked at each other and then I smiled and said, "Dad, luck had nothing to do with it. The Holy Spirit had His hands all over this one." What a great moment.

Somehow 8 days seems like an eternity, yet it seems like it's right around the corner too...like next weeks' corner! I remember counting down the days until my very first surgery - I was so naive back then; totally blind as to the mountain I would have to climb once all was said and done. I remember being a little nervous but ir wasn't all-consuming; I was young and had no idea what I was about to do and just how much pain I would be in afterwards. In a way, it was good - sometimes not knowing is better - but I know now - and it doesn't help.

 

A person, I'll call her an 'acquaintance' (and she will remain anonymous) said to me a couple months ago when she learned of my upcoming surgery (with a bit of an 'edge' to her tone I might ad) ,  "Well it's probably like childbirth, right? Somehow your body just knows what to do and just does it?" "Uh NO! It's nothing like childbirth but thanks for offering your unbelievably idiotic point of view." I was so taken back by her comments, I just chalked it up to ignorance. Childbirth lasts for hours, some times 4 to 24 but it's only hours, (and yes in rare instances days) but it doesn't last weeks, months or years; childbirth was something I excitedly anticipated because in the end, we would get to hold our beautiful little baby in our arms; and childbirth was a magical, miraculous process that only women are blessed enough to experience. It reinforces our strength (Our poor husbands wouldn't last 2 minutes into labor! Sorry guys). Spinal fusion surgery is nothing like childbirth. Absurd! I guess I can't fault her for having no clue as to what it's like to go through something like this - it's like trying to explain heaven. You couldn't possibly describe it unless you've actually been there and even when you've been there and it's not your time and you come back, you still can't explain or describe it - unless you've been there! In hindsight, I think in her own way, she was probably trying to make conversation as well as try to ease my mind. Either way, it didn't work.

There is just no way on God's green earth I can compare this surgery to childbirth; having experienced both several times now, trust me on this one. When surgeons are pulling out DeWalt power tools and hammers, you know it's bad. Unless you've actually HAD this kind of excruciatingly painful, extensive, invasive, pain-so-bad-you-can't-imagine-it-if-you-tried surgery, then you can't (and shouldn't) attempt to compare it to anything (other than maybe open heart surgery)! I had both of my children au naturale...just me, myself and I working towards a common goal - get that baby out...and fast!!! At least with childbirth, there was a beautiful baby at the end...there was a "prize" - there was this teeny tiny, squishy, beautiful baby at the end of all that hard work and within 30 minutes of  I felt great! No so with this kind of surgery. I like to think that when I'm in that operating room, all the angels in my life will be crowded around me watching over me that there will hardly be any room for the surgeon and his team of physicians.

With this type of surgery, especially a 15-level fusion, there really IS no "prize." There is the 'chance' of a parting gift, like a 40% chance of 'some' pain relief. Daunting be very necessary. There is no magic cure for scoliosis - no pill, no exercise, no operation will ever get rid of it. It's painful, very painful at times. Scoliosis surgery gives no guarantee of pain relief, no guarantee of improved quality of life, and certainly no guarantee that significant complications can arise (like bleeding, infection, need for more surgery, non-fusion, hardware defect and most important, surgical competence of the man or woman operating on you!) Surviving the 8-10 hour surgery and not catching staph or some other kind of infection is like throwing the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. You don't really "get" a prize. You get (at best) Happy Meal toy, which may or may not result in less pain, more mobility, less physical deformity and more life-living activities.You wake up in agony, remain there for days, then you're sent home (often still in extreme pain) to remain there some more. I'm not trying to be a downer but this is the reality of it. I'm just being honest - which is what I said I be when I first started this blog. Some may ask, "Then why even bother going through such an ordeal?" My answer is quite simply: "Them. Those two beautiful children pictured below that God gave me. They deserve to have their Mommy back and I'm going to try and give her to them."

As much I want to do this for ME and for the chance of a life with even a little less pain, I'm also doing it for those 2 beautiful kids. I'm going to try and give them "me" back - because I'm not the same "me" I was even a year or two ago. I'm grumpy, impatient, in constant pain. It's not their fault we can't go to the park, or zoo or on day trips or outings...it's mine..."Mommy's back hurts" - that's all they hear. And it's not fair to them (or me or my husband). It's become normal for us to stay in all the time. And when we DO go out somewhere, they're so excited! How sad is that??  As for this surgery, it's the only option I have right now. Right now, today, I'm merely existing. Going through the motions in constant pain. I don't whine and moan about it...but people who know me say they can "see it" - my facial gestures, the way I'm walking, just how I look. When you get to the point where I am, quite simply, what do you have to lose???  Nothing!!! When your kids refer to the hospital bed in the living room as "Mommy's bed" or 'Mommy's room," you know it has gotten bad. This hospital bed has sadly become another piece of furniture in my living room, like the couch and end tables. I sleep alone, every single night down here; I can't sleep in my own bed because I can't roll over with tugging on my husband and waking him with all my grunt-filled attempts at rolling over. My 12 yr old pup Macy keeps me company. But it is lonely. And it is time for something to go my way. And I'm praying that this surgery is it. I have plenty of time to think down here by myself - and so I dream of the time where I'll be able to kick a soccer ball with my son and not have to stop after 3 or 4 kicks b/c it just hurts too much; I would love, for once in my life, to NOT worry about how far or how long I'll have to sit in the car to go somewhere; to wake up or go to bed without all this pain; to sleep more than 3 hours every night; I would just love to have my life back.

 

With no other options on the table, I really AM looking the bull in the eye and saying "C'mon, I'm ready." And I am. I'm ready to have a chance of getting even a small portion of my LIFE back...I'm tired of being a spectator in my own life and it's time I got back into the game of life....of living life with my family, friends, etc; of going to the zoo or taking day trips to Ocean City. Now that I'm facing surgery #5 in just 8 days, my stomach is remembering all-too-well the pain that i will once again be facing. I have to admit though - that through every trial and tribulation, thru all of my ups and downs, through all of my physical gains and even the setbacks, I never threw my hands in the air said "That's it. I give up. I'm done." I can't...for the sake of my husband and children, I can't just give up and remain stuck here" thinking about all the things I'm missing out on and what I wish I could be doing. A family vacation - could you imagine!?!?! I'm tired of merely existing...therefore, I'm trusting God that He will carry me through this operation and recuperation - He is all that I need and He will carry me through the difficult times like He has done time and time again, whether I realized it at the time or not.

 

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb

You carry me, Jesus carry me.

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need

You are everything,

You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder for me
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek

You are everything in my time of need



12 Days To Go...

Well, so much for the single-digit count down. Back to double digits.  But i just thought of something that will hopefully help me get through the next (almost) 2 weeks....#12 was (and still is) 'my number.' It was my number all through high school and college playing soccer and my little guy even got a #12 jersey when playing soccer (and it was completely random!)

Maybe that's a good sign. I don't really believe in 'lucky numbers' and good luck charms or anything but the #12 just pops off the page at me as I type this - - 12 days to go - - and hopefully after all is said and done, I'll be less of a spectator and more of a participant in the lives of my husband and children. Every Saturday, my son asks "Mommy are you coming to my soccer game today?" and every Saturday I have to tell him the same thing: "I doubt it buddy...it's a lot of walking and it's really far from the car to soccer fields. We'll see though." He's had 8 games and I've made it to a grand total of 2 and that was only 30' for each. I really want to go to his games and enjoy them and not be in so much pain; and I don't want my first thought to be 'how far is the walk' or 'is there anywhere to sit?' Pretty sad. But I can't beat myself up about it. I always make a big deal when he walks in after his games and my husband always takes pictures for me. So we manage. But I want nothing more in life than to have this surgery help my pain, even if it's just a little bit, so I can start living again.

 

There is so much to do and see and i feel like it's all just passing me by. So to get me out of my funk, I decided to make a list of my TOP 12 THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. So here it goes:

1. My wonderful husband who loves me, broken bones, grumpy days and all without hesitation

2. My two amazing children who gave me the gift of 'motherhood'

 







 

3. Stopping to smell the roses (or any other pretty flowers)...literally



4. Waiting for a sunrise...then watching the sunrise

5. Watching the sunset over the ocean...it's an amazing sight to see, as if the ocean swallows it up

6. Making new friends...and keeping them





7. Telling someone you love them...and meaning it...

8. Great big bear hugs.....



9. Falling in love....and staying there...

 

10. Watching your children sleep...

 





 

11. Sinking into a HOT BATH and drifiting away to anywhere but here...it's a place where pain  doesn't exist and bones and muscles don't hurt...

12. Watching the joy on your children's faces when they play in the leaves

 









Surgery Rescheduled....

Thursday, November 15th @ 8am

Cooper University Hospital

That's the big day, like it or not, that I'm (re)scheduled for surgery. It was the earliest possible day he could fit me in and with the hospital operating in 'Emergency Mode' on Monday & Tuesday, you can only imagine the number of surgeries that needed to be rescheduled. With 14 OR's and dozens upon dozens of patients who need to be rescheduled from being cancelled Monday and Tuesday, surgeons are scrambling big time to coordinate staff and Operating Rooms in order to reschedule their most pressing cases first. I guess I had what amounted to an adult temper tantrum. No throwing of objects or dropping to the floor and kicking my feet (I'd never be able to get back up! LOL) But it was a temper tantrum, no less.



I was in utter disbelief, shocked really. Not that I'm happy about having another surgery, but I was looking forward to it in a way, so that it would be over and done with by now and so I'd be home from the hospital enjoying Thanksgiving dinner (and my 40th birthday) sitting around the table with my family. Instead, I'll be spending all of the above either in the hospital (Cooper University Hospital) or at the rehab facility (Magee Rehab Hospital). The secretary actually told me how "lucky" I was with having gotten a surgery date so soon given that the hospital had to cancel dozens of surgeries on Monday and Tuesday due to Hurricane Sandy Now, I'm feeling A LOT of things these past few weeks and days, but lucky definitely isn't one of them. And to be perfectly honest, if this is how 'lucky' feels then I'd prefer to feel 'unlucky.' Here's how 'lucky' I am:

• I donated 3 pints of my own blood over the course of 3 consecutive weeks in preparation for this surgery. With rescheduling my surgery, 2 out of 3 will expire (one already has); I need a whole lot MORE than 1 meager little pint of blood. I decided to donate one more pint next Thursday and that's it. I just can't DO anymore than that. My arms are so black and blue and so sore from all the needle pricks and IV lines...one and done...that's all I can do. Of course there is always blood bank blood. I'll have to ask my surgeon if having a family or friend donate on my behalf would be ok (I'm A+) - several have offered and I might just have to take them up on it!
• My husband was supposed to be out of town during the week I was originally schedule to have surgery; well, his company rescheduled it for him and they cut the training down from 2 weeks to 1 since I was having surgery. Now, my husband WILL definitely be out of town during and after my surgery. So, we'll have to say our goodbyes on Monday and he won't be home until Friday or Saturday. The timing of all this just stinks. But boy oh boy, do I feel lucky!!!
• I'll almost certainly be spending my 40th birthday (which happens to be on Thanksgiving this year) in the hospital. Not at all what I had planned. But hey, blow up some latex-free (of course!) gloves and  tie them to a string and we have 'balloons' and 'guess that animal' games!  LOL! Afterall, I'm lucky!
• With my surgery being so close to the weekend (on a Thursday), I'll get the wonderful, oh-so- happy-to-be-at-work 'weekend staff' which usually isn't as good as the regular weekday staff. My surgeon has always told me from the start, "I will make sure you're scheduled for a Tuesday; that way i'll be there the rest of the week in case something comes up." Well, with 75+ patients cancelled for surgery Monday & Tuesday, he had to take what he could get so that I could have this done and so that he could reorganize his "team," which by the way he hand picked. He said at one point, "I could do your surgery at midnight, but I don't want just anybody in that OR with me. I want to pick them." That's also what is delaying things." It's certainly not ideal to have to wait another 2 weeks but to know that I will have the best of the best nurses, doctors, anesthesiologists, etc working with and monitoring me make me feel a lot better. AND it's better than waiting a month for surgery since he's booked into mid-December.

So, I'll do another blood donation and PRAY that I get someone very good this time. I've gotten one or two that were decent but overall, it's a process and necessity of surgery that I dread. I will keep all of you updated and post any changes, but for now - that's the story: surgery 11/15 at 8am.

Surgery cancelled...due to "Sandy"

Hi everyone...a lot of you have been asking to find out if my surgery, which was scheduled for today, was still going to happen. The unfortunate answer to that is NO, it was cancelled mid-afternoon yesterday. I have no idea when the surgeon will be able to reschedule me but I am hopeful that we won't have to wait too too long. Stay tuned...I will keep you all posted as soon as I know anything. Thank you ALL of you for everything: your prayers, support, phone calls, emails etc.

The Perfect Storm...

Ok, remember when I wrote about finding humor and laughter in painful situations?? Well, now is the perfect scenario to try it again (try being the key word here...)  Me, with my multi-colored highlighters in hand, my multiple-sized calendars (one for almost every room of the house), and all of my never-ending iPhone, iPad and laptop 'alerts' and 'reminders' - Well, I didn't quite plan for this one. I was hoping to spend the weekend de-stressing and trying to relax and instead my anxiety is building over what is coming...the uninvited guest who is about to wreak havoc on us...but I had other plans - and it didn't involve "Sandy." And so fear of what will happen, fear of the unknown - that is what i'm struggling with right now. So, as the Army says, I am trying very hard to just 'embrace the suck.' Like it or not. Embrace it. Acknowledge it. I can't fight it or change it so I'm just trying to get through it. Easier said than done...but i'm trying!

And like it or not, "Sandy" is heading our way. She is jeopardizing my surgery on Tuesday - and all those pints of blood I donated (which expire 30 days after you donate it). She's putting a lot of question marks in my weekend and adding a whole lot of extra stress that I really don't want or need right now. I'm not a fan of "Sally" and I want her to just go away so that I can get this thing over and done with already! "The perfect storm," the hurricane of all hurricanes," "Frankenstorm" (thank Christine!) is coming and I'm trying very hard to just let go and breathe - and trust that everything will go the way they're meant to go - whether it's my way or not. I'm trying to remain steadfast...focused...calm...this too shall pass...I'm trying to just get through the weekend...and get to Tuesday...and if Tuesday comes and goes and I end up NOT having surgery, I have to accept it and just trust that things will work out - I have no choice and it's futile to worry about it. I won't know if surgery is a go or not until Monday afternoon/evening - if the surgeon can't get to the hospital Tuesday morning, then my surgery won't happen - I just pray that if it IS postponed, it's not postponed too long so that my pints of blood expire - I have to trust Him - I do trust Him - I'm just scared.

"Everyone goes through trials and tribulations; however, those who remain steadfast in God’s Word have the advantage of patiently enduring knowing that God gives them victory every time."

(Isaiah 40:31)



Finding Humor & Laughter in Pain...

With just 5 days to go, I'm trying VERY hard to focus elsewhere...ANYWHERE but where I am right now...which is right here, 5 days away from another surgery. I'm trying to focus right now on something I heard (or read) years ago: (and forgive me if I'm paraphrasing but it goes something like this):  If you can find humor and laughter in painful situations, then you can get through them...you can overcome them...you can survive them. I never really thought about it but I never forgot it either. I didn't even know I remembered it until now...Humor won't change a "painful situation" (and it can be any kind of pain: physical, emotional, pscyhological, etc) but it can sure lighten the mood when the air you breathe is thick and heavily burdened....

Easier said than done: "to find humor and laughter in pain" *no matter what the 'pain'* I totally get that. Really, I do! Many of you would probably agree with me there. Case in point: I come from a great (and I do mean GREAT!) BIG Irish Catholic family - and so when someone passes away, we have a great big Irish Catholic funeral - maybe you've heard of such occasions?? It's a "send off" so to speak. Full of sadness but also full of celebration - of the life our loved one lived - of how that person touched our lives and of how we can honor and remember them in a way THEY would want to be honored and remembered. And let me just say, for as much love and for as many members are in this great big family of mine, there is just as much, if not more, LAUGHTER. My family is full of comedians - both young and old!!! And no gathering is short of laughter.

Ok, so imagine the viewings, funerals and "luncheons" when a loved one passes in one of these great big Irish Catholic families (like mine!) What immediately comes to mind are those 'luncheons' which follow the funeral mass and burial. I remember as a teenager and even young adult, stopping and staring (glaring really, like 'how dare you!') at the sound of laughter...LAUGHTER...at one of these 'funeral luncheons' (where, by the way, it's ok to have a drink before noon apparently - haha! In fact, it's ok to have several drinks by noon!) Anyway, I digress. I never really understood HOW it was possible that we, as family members and friends of the loved one who passed, could possibly smile or God forbid LAUGH out loud on such a somber occasion. I always thought to myself, "People!?!? Get a grip and stop being so disrespectful! Don't laugh...be SAD...we're supposed to all be sad. Not irreverant and certainly not laughing!"

I remember quite clearly feeling angry that people could actually SMILE on such an occasion, and to LAUGH?? Well that was downright disrespectful and insulting. However, what I didn't fully understand until many years later when my uncle and 25 yr old cousin passed away within 1 year of each other was that it was ok to cry, to smile, to retell funny stories of the loved one who passed, and yes, to dare I say it, LAUGH. Although it was a time of tremendous and overwhelming sadness and pain, it was how we all celebrated and honored our loved one...by smiling, by retelling stories which often provoked tears of sadness and of joy at the same time...and yes, it provided some much-needed levity to what was otherwise a very sad and painful occasion. At that point in time, I wasn't ready to join in on the story sharing, the laughter or even the smiling to be quite honest but in hindsight, that is how we all got through it...by "finding humor and laughter in an extremely sad and painful situation...that's how we survived it."

Now, I'm not talking about funerals and how we handle, get through and survive such sad events in our lives in order to upset anyone. I'm bringing all of this up because to me, the phrase I quoted in the first sentence means something...I believe it...and I think most of you would agree that if not for an occasional (and very delicate) break of humor or levity in what would otherwise be a very somber and painful experience, it would be more difficult to get through it. My use of humor is when I say I'm in "survival mode," it's true! I'm just trying to get from sun up to sun down without hurting myself (or anyone else!) by falling over an ant hill or a dust bunny. "Survival mode" is all about necessities: 'need to do' and 'nice to do' lists: Need to do = get the kids up, dressed, fed (and it doesn't always mean a 'healthy and balanced breakfast' (haha) - sometimes Scoobie Snacks and a banana ARE a balanced breakfast! and out the door for school! I have to learn to see the humor in life - to not take myself so seriously - to enjoy and perhaps embrace the dust bunnies in the corner (just as long as I don't FALL over them - hahaha!) I'm human and my house is a wreck but that's ok (Good Lord, did I just say that!?!?) I have to remind myself that when life is scary, painful and full of unknowns, I have to surround myself with good friends, good family, a good book or funny movie and and a good dose of humor every now and then. It does wonders for my heart and soul.



ENJOY :)

"Pedal fast and steer!"

My son, who will be 6 in February, finally learned how to ride his bike WITHOUT training wheels this weekend! YAY! Maybe he's a bit of a late-bloomer when it comes to that sorta thing, but we never wanted to push him (no pun intended!) into doing it until he was ready. And often times (ok, every time), when he fell 2 or 3 times, he was done. "Bike Riding Without Training Wheels 101" was over almost as quickly as it had started. He had already given up on himself it didn't matter what we said. And that's one of the hardest things to overcome...when someone has already given up of himself, you CAN'T make them think differently. You just have to keep the door of opporunity open and the encouragement for when he is ready and willing to give it another try plentiful and abundant. My little boy didn't give up on HIMSELF this time, despite falling time after time. And he didn't give up on what he set his mind to DO this time. HE DIDN'T GIVE UP. 

Now, 'the bike' is Matt's "old bike" (which looks brand new!) but without training wheels. 'The bike' was almost dreaded and he would get so frustrated with his rare attempts to ride it sans training wheels that at times, we dreaded it too. 'The bike' sat in the garage and collected dust for almost 2 years and it was on taken out on occasion so our he could ride it with the training wheels on (or sit on it while Daddy tinkered in the garage). But without the training wheels, it became 'the bike.' Before today, when we would say, "Hey, let's go out give 'the bike' another try today!" Matt would always say, "Nah, I don't wanna" or "But Mom, there are big cracks in the sidewalk" or "But  Mom, the sidewalk bends and I don't want to hit a big tree!" And true, there are cracks in some areas of the sidewalk (their size is relative i suppose when learning to ride a bike!) and there are some big trees that we didn't want him to hit either, but I'd always say, "Well, Daddy will help you steer around them (the big trees!)" or "Daddy will help you pedal fast so you go right over the 'big cracks' on the sidewalk." Lip music to a little boy. But like I said, today was different. This time he had a sense of "Ok, let's DO this already!" and I just LOVED seeing such determination in this little guy. SUCH 
determination! 

So, he and Daddy started out as they always had: bike (check!); bike helmet (check!); lots of cheering and encouragment from the observers (check, check and triple check!); training wheels - NO WAY!! Matt had an audience of family members and neighbors (both kids and adults) observing from a distance (and some right next door!) and cheering him on as he first built up his confidence on the grass (to soften the falls, of which there were MANY!). Then they moved onto the sidewalk.  As usual, Daddy pushed, held on, helped him steer, held on some more, ran next to him, held on some more and as usual, Matt would fall as soon as Daddy let go. BUT, at one point Matt said, "Let's try it on the grass again Dad...then we can do the sidewalk. Ok Dad?" Well alrighty then. He did pretty well on the grass but as soon as he stopped pedaling, he'd fall (obviously!) going maybe 2-3 ft and mostly because of momentum! Well, after what seemed like an eternity of literal up's and down's (haha) and after thinking we'd have to call it day and try again tomorrow, Matt said "Ok let's try the sidewalk again Daddy!" Well, ok....let's DO this!

"You can DO this," I kept saying cheering to him. "I know you can DO this buddy!" Once on the sidewalk and once he got going, we all kept cheering, "Keep going! Keep pedaling buddy! You got it! Keep going! Keep going!" Well, something clicked. He GOT it. Daddy started him off like he had done 100 times before by jogging next to him and helping with the "keep pedaling, steer, STEER!" And then.....HE LET GO....and before we knew it, he was pedaling that bike, passing 1 house and then 2 and 3 houses as Daddy jogged 1/2 crouched over in case he wiped out (saving several neighbors' cars along the way!) He finally did it! He put his mind to it and didn't give up! Sure he fell about 100 times along the way before he got to that point, but he GOT it. He learned to ride that bike!  You could SEE the sense of accomplishment in his eyes - literally! He was beaming with pride and grinning from ear to ear with happiness from a job well done and an accomplishment 2 years in the making!

Maybe the difference this time was that he never really set his mind to DO it before, I don't know. But I DO know he had always given up on himself in the past when it came to "the bike." He's no quitter. He learned that today and despite feeling disappointed in his past attempts, I always knew he wasn't a quitter. It was just that the timing wasn't right. He's got such an incredibly competitive spirit, but this time it wasn't "his team" vs. "the other team." This time, it was him vs. himself. And "the bike." This weekend, he experienced what it truly means to face a challege head on and to give it all you've got, even when you fall down. You get back up. And when you fall down again, you get back up (AGAIN)! And even when the pavement is uneven and the "sidewalk has big cracks in it" and there are "big trees" in your way, then go around them and pedal faster! And steer! Who knew we could all learn a lesson from a little boy learning to ride a bike (or at the very least, be reminded of the lesson). When faced with a challenge, "go around the big trees, pedal faster so you can get over those cracks, and steer!" I'm so pround of my not-so-little guy. So incredibly proud of him. This weekend, he learned how to ride 'the bike' - - It was definitely one of my all-time favorite "atta boy" moments for me. And with 8 days left til surgery, I'll have to remind myself to 'go around the big trees,' 'pedal faster to get over those cracks' and above all else, 'remember to steer' (when I'm at the wheel - but God's driving this car...not me!)

 

"Thank You, My Angels...Thank You"

I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who believes in angels. According to a poll conducted by the Associated Press (AP-GfK) last December (2011), 77% of Americans believe in angels. Furthermore, 88% of Christians, 94% of evangelical Christians and 95% of "people who attend weekly religious services" (regardless of particular religious preference) believe in angels. In addition, more women than men and people over 30 vs. under 30 tend to believe in angels.

But what about 'Earth angels?' Hebrews 13:2 of the Bible states, "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it." Hmmmmmm....have you ever thought about that?? Ever?? Angels taking on a human form. I don't think believing in angels has anything to do with your religious beliefs or background and I don't believe you can deny the fact that not EVERYTHING can be scientifically proven. The 'practice of medicine' is just that: practice. - In it's own description, the word 'practice' implies to me that you still need to keep going until you get it ALL right, have ALL the answers and can cure ALL of the diseases, illnesses and conditions (including scoliosis) that exist in the world. Well, that's an easy one for me. It's a resounding YES. I do believe in life after death, and I do believe whole-heartedly in angels, both heavenly and earthly. 

I have many heavenly angels who sadly have passed away from a variety of things including heart disease,  heart attacks, brain cancer, ALS (Lou Gherig's Disease), diabetes complications, car accidents just to name a few. My heavenly angels include my grandparents (with exception of my almost 97 year old Nana!), my inlaws, an uncle, my 25 year old cousin, 2 college friends and many patients with whom I've had the privildge of working. I cant see them but I can feel their presence at times. In more recent weeks, as my surgery appraoches amd my anxiety increases, I often find myself talking to them, asking them for guidance, and peace. And often times, they help me in one way or another.

My 'Earthly angels' are just that...my angels here on earth. One I've known since 9th grade and one I met last year while working at a local retirement community (and you both know who you are!) Two earthly angels have seen me through the past 4 spine surgeries, putting their lives on hold so that they could be of help to me and my family. Their love, support and loyalty--unwavering. And then there is my host of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Other earth angels I've met through church groups, book studies and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). Many of my earth angels are extended family members and some have crossed my path in various kind ways ways and are complete strangers. I thank God every day that He chose to bring them ALL into my life at various points in time and for various reasons. Whether friend, family member or stranger, they've all been my 'earth angels.' On many occasions, I've often thought of that saying, "if not for the kindness of strangers..." As for my family and friend earth angels, I would change that saying to "it was all due to the kindess and support of PEOPLE, my 'Earth Angels," both familiar an unfamiliar, friend, family and stranger." No matter who they are, ALL loved and appreciated by me for the various ways they've touched my life (whether they know it or not)!



The Power of Songs....

jerseyot.blogspot.com

You know when a song speaks to you?  I mean when a song really touches your heart, has the ability to move you to tears and just speaks to your heart as if to say "Hey you? Listen up. This one's for you!"  Well, these songs have been speaking to me for well over a year now - many of them I've know for decades, others I discovered when I found the radio station K-LOVE one day around this time last year. Each one touches my heart in one way or the other...I hope you enjoy them....sit back and have a listen: (and enjoy!)

"How Great Tho Art" - Carrie Underwood
"Somewhere Over The Rainbow" - Izrael "IZ"

"Everybody Hurts" - REM"How
"I Shall Believe" - Sheryl Crow

"How Great Is Our God" - Chris Tomlin

"Praise You In This Storm" - Casting Crows

"10,000 Reasons" - Matt Redman

"I Will Rise" - Chris Tomlin

"Always There" - The Canadian Tenors

"You Can Run...But You Can't Hide"

I had the most wonderful, amazing experience today and I just can't keep it to myself.  I feel compelled to share it with you and I hope you find comfort and inspiration from it. My day started out like every other weekday: kids wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, squabble and annoy one another for an hour and then it's off to school (!!!) I ran a few errands and was back home by 10:30am.  I decided to give my aunt and uncle a call to see if it was ok to come over for a short visit as my uncle recently had major heart surgery. My 96 year old grandmother also lives with them and had been quite a while since I'd last seen her too. I've been meaning to call or stop by on so many occasions, but somehow, life takes over more often than not and before I know it, the kids are home and the daily chaos begins all over again. I don't ever want my "I meant to's" to turn into "I wish I had." It happened with my son when he was born and my ailing grandmother. To this day, my one and only regret in life is that I didn't get a chance to introduce them before she passed away.

But today was different. I can't explain how...or why...but I had an amazing encounter with God. I felt very strongly that I just had to go visit my grandmother and aunt and uncle (who live about 15 minutes away) immediately...like as soon as I hung up the phone. I can't explain it. But I'll do my best to describe it. However, I already know I won't do my experience justice. Unless you're me, you couldn't possibly understand what came over me and how different I left compared to when I arrived.  Little did I know what was to happen an hour into my visit.

We all sat in the family room and as I entered, limping and wearing my "2nd skin" (my clamshell), they were all sitting around almost in a circle on various pieces of furniture and they ALL had smiles on their faces.  It was delightful to walk into that room given the stress and struggles here at home. I made my way around the circle, greeting each one with a kiss on the cheek, paying particular care to not bend over too far. My uncle is such a fighter, having had open heart surgery just 2 weeks ago, and now he's home and was sitting upright in a chair; not to mention, he climbs 2 split-level staircases to sleep in his own bed each night!  I can't even do that. He is so strong for having gone through such an ordeal. Next was "Nana," bright and sunny Nana, sitting on the couch, lop-sided, as she always is.  She looks amazing for a woman about to turn 97 in just 2 months!  A little hard of hearing (ok...a LOT!) but aside from that, she's doing great. My aunt was next and she is just always so full of hope and sincerity, asking how I'm doing and feeling and never forgetting to remind that they pray each night for me as a family. What a blessing I am to have such a loving, supportive family right here in my own back yard when so many are too far for me to drive. And then my cousin, "Big Mac" (his name is Matt), as my 5 yr old calls him. But he's not big anymore...he's "thin, muscular Mac/Matt" - he looks wonderful and he has been my saving grace (and so have his sisters!) when it came to the ER visits and 911 calls where he would rush over to watch my kids while I was off to the hospital for a fall, or chest pains, etc.  Again, I am blessed to have such support and love.

The doorbell rang about 40' into my visit. I thought maybe the lady who entered was a PT coming to have a therapy session with my uncle. It was actually a woman from their church, Mary, who came to bring Holy Communion to them, as she has done since my uncle came home from the hospital. Talk about a compassionate, upbeat, genuine person?!?!  She also brought with her a prayer with a photo of Padre Pio on it. What a powerful prayer! I didn't make it 1/2-way through her opening prayer before I was completely overcome with emotion and was literally trying to muffle and silence my tears. But I couldn't. She spoke first that Christ was the first to suffer (on the cross) and that since he suffered and died for us, He will suffer with us and carry us through our suffering, no matter what.  He will not leave us to suffer alone, in silence, in turmoil.  He is there with us. Always. Mary then began to read the prayer of Padre Pio and oh the tears! They flowed and flowed, and as I wiped them away reverantly as Mary continued to read, they continued to flow down my cheek, dropping one by one onto my back brace. She then asked if she could lay her hands on me and pray for me and of course, I agreed. And moved once again, I was. Beyond words. I had no intention of becoming such a spectacle, but when the Spirit moves you, He moves you...and you have no choice but to accept it. And I did. Happily and with great gratitude.

Shortly after Mary left, my uncle turned to me said, "Ya know what? You can run...but you can't hide! Jesus will find you. And He found you today. He'll always find you because He never leaves you." And as I made my way to the door, giving each one a kiss on the cheek, I found myself hesitating in the doorway, soaking up the room and the loved ones in it like a picture. I realized it might be the last time I see them. I'm so scared for what is to come that I honestly don't know if I'll see them again. I know it's in God's very capable hands now and whatever will be will be. I can't change it so I need to stop worrying about it and just try to enjoy the time right now (3 wks to the day) with my family while I'm still mobile and not recovering (again).  I pray every day that God will bring me through this surgery with flying colors. "His Will be done" as my Mom would say. I guess I feel compelled to share this very personal, very moving experience and God's message of FAITH and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE with the world because deep down, I don't believe it's my message at all...

(Below is the prayer that Mary read):

 

Stay with me, Lord, for it is necessary to have You present so that I do not forget You. You know how easily I abandon You.

Stay with me Lord, because I am weak, and I need Your strength, so that I may not fall so often.

Stay with me Lord, for You are my life, and without You, I am without fervor.

Stay with me Lord, for You are my light, and without you, I am in darkness.

Stay with me Lord, to show me Your will.

Stay with me Lord, so that I hear Your voice and follow You.

Stay with me Lord, for I desire to love you very much, and always be in Your Company.

Stay with me Lord, if You wish me to be faithful to You.

Stay with me Lord, for as poor as my soul is, I want it to be a place of consolation for You, a nest of Love.

Stay with me, Jesus, for it is getting late, and the day is coming to a close, and life passes, death, judgment, eternity approach. It is necessary to renew my strength, so that I will not stop along the way and for that, I need You. It is getting late and death approaches. I fear the darkness, the temptations, the dryness, the cross, the sorrows. O how I need You, my Jesus, in this night of exile.

Stay with me tonight, Jesus, in life with all its dangers, I need You.

Let me recognize You as Your disciples did at the breaking of bread, so that the Eucharistic Communion be the light which disperses the darkness, the force which sustains me, the unique joy of my heart.

Stay with me Lord, because at the hour of my death, I want to remain united to you, if not by Communion, at least by grace and love.

Stay with me Jesus, I do not ask for divine consolation because I do not merit it, but the gift of Your presence, oh yes, I ask this of You.

Stay with me Lord, for it is You alone I look for, Your Love, Your Grace, Your Will, Your Heart, Your Spirit, because I love You and ask no other reward but to love You more and more.

With a firm love, I will love You with all my heart while on earth and continue to love You perfectly during all eternity. Amen.

The Preparations...and the "Baggage"

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So, here we are....3 weeks out from THE BIG ONE...by far, THE scariest one I have ever faced...and definitely the most daunting one of all...I'm talking surgeries here but I think you probably already figured that out by now! It's scheduled for TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30th and is expected last 8+ hours, give or take.  This past week, I began to do all the things, which sadly feel quite familiar to me, all over again...the weekly pint of blood donations at the Red Cross (I'll need to do 3 total); the pre-admission testing consisting of a physical, X-rays, EKG, blood work; and oh yeah! Let's not forget the 24/7 nausea and "GI upset," along with the several-times-week panic attacks (which I never experienced, by the way, until this time last year when I was preparing for the 2 surgeries this past January). At this point, I say to myself with a pit in my stomach so heavy and painful it feels like a baseball on fire, "Oh no, I remember this feeling." The surgery is coming and I can't escape it...it's the worst feeling (well, ONE of the worst feelings) I've ever had in my life...and I've had a lot of them...I feel trapped...no way out with only one ugly, scary as hell option ahead of me...I don't want to but I have to...I keep going day after day...I keep the actual surgery so deep down inside of me that the anxiety comes out in panic attacks...but soon it will all be over...soon I will have my life back...

As much as I dreaded the blood donation on Thursday, it was actually quite pleasant. Doesn't sound possible, right? Someone sticks you with a big, fat needle while your heart is pounding and your blood pressure is sky-high and you have to lay there while someone watches your blood drain into a bag and I say how pleasant it was? Well, let. Me explain. I had the most delightful woman, Belinda, calm my fears and reassure me with her calm, confidence and upbeat manner. She said she'd "take good care of me" and that I'd be "just fine when I'm done." She was a breath of fresh air - she smiled and smiled and even when she wasn't smiling, her voice was so light and happy that I forgot where I was and what I had to do. When she saw I had to come back two more times after today, she said to me "Ooooo weeeee, what exactly are you having done if you don't mind my asking? That's a lot blood for a little lady." Hah! Little lady?!?! I'm not so little any more after sitting around for 7 months with a broken back, but I just loved her enthusiasm in asking! So I told her....and she SMILED...yep, she smiled ear to ear and said the same thing as when I first got there. "You'll be just fine. Those doctors and nurses are gonna take good care of you. God won't make you walk thru fire without without seeing the sunlight on the other side. It's in Gods hands. You'll be ok. You will." I loved her tone and her comforting words. Her smile was so incredibly sweet and reassuring. Wouldn't it be nice if EVERYONE you met was as sweet and kind as Belinda?!?! And so it was a great way to start out my morning...and Belinda was just who and what I needed on Thursday...funny how God sends you people just when you need them....

And you know what? She was right...about my experience that day with her and about it being in Gods very able, more than capable hands. I'm scared to death - I'm afraid of how things will turn out - but God didn't make me to be fearful and full of anxiety. He made me to trusting and strong. And I'm trying...to be really trusting and really strong...but it isn't easy...but I know that when I'm too weak to walk and the days are too long and painful to bear, He will carry me through it, as He has done from the beginning and continues to do. I am in the best hands....I'm in Gods hands. I have remind myself of that every single day that sure, this surgery is daunting and terrifying...BUT God has it all under control...My Mom told me she heard something from my Aunt that was so true regarding God and how He will carry all of us through whatever it is that we're facing in life: "I can't, you can, you promised." And God always keeps his promises.

Isaiah 41:10 reads,

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I had my pre-op testing on Friday and as I was driving, that familiar "burning baseball in my stomach" feeling came back. I parked the car, took a deep breath and headed to the hospital. Once I walked in, I sat down and watched Rachel Ray...but that feeling never went away...after 15' I realized I was having trouble catching my breath...my heart was POUNDING a mile a minute...and my fingers were getting tingly...and I remembered the feeling - - a panic attack. It lasted about 20' and then I felt myself starting to breathe slower and I was calming down. But it wasn't completely gone. When I was called into the familiar exam room that I remembered from January, it was still there...my heart rate was 112 bpm just sitting there...doing nothing...can you say "anxiety?" But it was fine...I was fine and I didn't let it overwhelm me. 3 hours later, I was home and exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. It's really going to happen...the surgery...it is all I can do to not vomit when I think of what will happen...

• Remove my "new" screws and rods, which are currently fused from L1-S1 and into my pelvis
• Break the fusion that has already started to heal in order to remove the rods
• Clean out and repair my fractured T12 transverse process
• Fuse T2 all the way down to S1 - - that's a SIXTEEN (16) LEVEL FUSION!!! (OMG)
• Add more pedicle screws from L1 up to T2 so that new, LONGER rods can be put in
• Once again, fuse my spine to my pelvis...O....M....G....

(Deeeeep breath....) When all is said an done, this is pretty much what I will look like...I believe this picture is of from a scoliosis forum friend, "titanium ed" - and he's doing VERY well. I hope my experience is just as successful as his but it's important to note that this was his first surgery, not 5th.

So yeah, I'm anxiety-ridden and full of fear, and BAGGAGE...lots of baggage...who wouldn't be?!?! And it's taking it's toll...my stomach is so upset all the time. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. My mind is racing...I can't answer simple questions sometimes because I'm so lost in my own thoughts. I'm losing weight. I'm irritable and impatient. I am broken. And I am scared. Everyone says how brave I am and strong I am.  And to that I say, "Well thanks but I don't see myself that way at all.  I'm scared to death!  I just have no other choice."  I have to do this because I can't continue to live like this. I want my life back...and my husband, my kids, my family and friends - they want ME back. So do I. I want "Me" because I don't like the person I've become due to all of this.  I want to think about something other than my pain. I want to enjoy my life again.  I want to smile more.  plan family vacations to Canada and summer trips to the zoo and the jersey shore.  I don't want to lie to people when they ask "How are doing?"anymore.  I'm sick of my pain and physical limitations holding me back from life. My kids deserve the best ME possible and right now, I'm not the "me" I want and need to be for them. I'm missing out.  And I pray to GOD this surgery changes that.

I have to admit that facing such a daunting and risky surgery like this makes me analyze my own life: what I did right, what I did wrong, how I could've changed situations where misunderstandings and hurt took over instead of love and acceptance. It makes me really look at and want to mend my fences, right my wrongs and reconcile the broken relationships in my life, regardless of fault. The possibility of facing my own mortality makes me more honest, more true to myself, trust me on that one. If something, God forbid, were to happen to me, I'd want my family and friends to know just how much I love and appreciate all they've done for me.  I want my sister and brother to know how much I love and miss them - how I wish things were different for our families.  I wish my children could know theirs. If there is something that needs to be said, I say it. If there is an apology that needs to said, then I give one...regardless of how much time has passed. If there is forgiveness to be given, then I forgive because God has forgiven me and my very imperfect self.

I pray for alot of things and people in my life lately: my parents, whose unending love, support and selflessness to their family is unlike anything I've even heard of or seen with other families. Their generousity in everything they do is beyond admirable. They should win an award for the countless times they've been there for me and my family, physically...emotionally...spiritually...and I thank God for them every single day of my life. I also pray for my sister (Denise) and brother (Donny)...and their families...and I hope someday they realize just how much I love and miss them and how much I want them back in my life...until then...So, Donny...Denise...If either of you happens to read this, I pray for God to bring you back into my life in some small way....any way....I pray for my nephews, B, G, T and R. I pray for their spouses D and P. I pray that God will bring them all back into my life some day. I pray for softness in your hearts and for love to bring you to me in some small way...an email, a letter, a text, a phone call. Anything. God didn't make me an only child. God made me the 3rd of 3 children in my family and this 3rd child really needs her big brother and sister back in her life. I need you both desperately...so if you're reading this, please find it in your heart to contact me before my surgery (10/30/12). If that isn't possible, please feel free to contact me afterwards. I miss you both terribly...my heart aches for you both...I'm not able to just scratch your names off the slate of my history - - you're both out there - - and I'm right here - - so please, please find it in your heart to contact me. I need you both in my life and I'm in turmoil over not having you or your families know mine. Time may not heal all wounds but it sure does lessen the pain from them. I have long forgiven myself of any wrong-doings i've done to you, just as God has forgiven mine. I'm not preaching but I wish if there were hardness is your heart directed toward me that you'd atleast let me know what it was and work with me to mend those broken fences. If not, there's nothing I can do but wait...and hope...and if I leave this earth and never see either of you again, then please know I tried with all my heart to contact you - - and I prayed endlessly that we'd reunite. And know that I have, and always will, love you both more than you will ever know.

Family© Ryan Guerrero

Not enough hours in the day, we often say
we watch as the business of life allows time slip away.

Before we know days turn to months and months into years,
Time is mapped with laughter and cheers,
the long road sometimes landmarked with sadness and tears.

Elders pass and children grow,
has it been that long we ask, where does the time go?

Not every chance to gather is taken.
"We'll see them next time" we say and hope we're not mistaken.

A chance like now comes once in a lifetime it seems,
when the bright light of family is nurtured and beams,
there will be laughter and time to reminisce
we will all be proud this is a chance we did not miss.