1 Down, 1 To Go....5 Days Post-Op

Well, HHEEEELLLLLLLOOOOOO everybody!!! I'm here! I made it through the first surgery with flying colors and it only took 5 hours instead of 7 which is great. I am now day 5 post-op and am feeling better each day. I spent 48+ hours in ICU from Tuesday until Thursday early evening. I have been in a small private room with the most wonderful nurses and aides on earth! I am now able to wit and wash with setup, brush my teeth, get on/off toilet and in/out of bed unassisted. I am very pleased with how I'm progressing - the stronger I am going into the second half of this surgery the better I will do post-op. Yesterday I even walked about 50 ft and did 5 small (lower height) steps with PT (up and down!) My abdominal pain is/was alot worse than I had anticipated but that too, is starting to feel a little better each day and I'm hoping it'll continue to do so. I had a PICC line put in on Friday because with all the poking and prodding and irritation that was happening (not to mention that IV's only last 4 days) it was suggested that have a PICC line put in so that I could get fluids, meds, blood draws, whatever - directly from this site. So that was fun (NOT)! I've had someone here visiting with me (either family, friends or both!) each day which is nice. Part 2 will take place on Tuesday morning as planned barring the unforeseen. This one coming up is "the big one" - I'm still really nervous about it but atleast all these great medications help keep me from stressing out too much! HAHA. Last night I woke up twice this excruciating pain in my sacrum/tailbone area which I was told is most likely muscle spasm. Ugh! THAT was pai Ive never had before so hopefully it won't be back for another round tonight. So, with that as my update, I think I'm doing fairly well. Please continue the prayers for Jan31 -- that's the BIG ONE! And totally offi topic, the nurse just came in and said that the CNA would be in soon and that i can take a shower!! Yay!! Oh it's the little things in life!!!

Tomorrow is the day....

1 more day…I have to be at Cooper Hospital at 6:30am!  Bright and early!  But by this time tomorrow, I’ll be out of surgery and recuperating quietly, comfortably and uneventfully…and at that point, it’ll be “one down, one to go!”  I am scared, anxious and eager to get this over and done with so I can move on and get back to enjoying the little things in life again.  I am confident in the skills, knowledge and expertise of my surgeon as well as the team of doctors and nurses who will be helping me along and taking care of me through this part of my journey.  We will get through this.  It won’t be easy – but we will get through it.  Fortunately, I am blessed to have an incredibly supportive and loving network of family and friends (and even some strangers!) who have been praying for me and my family for months now.  Believe me when I tell you that we feel your prayers and support and we are so thankful for it.  I will post updates on how things are going along the way.  Thank you once again for your continued love, support and prayers – they mean so much to me and my family.

“Somewhere Over The Rainbow” -  Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA

Keep on keepin' on...

Today is a tough day – tougher than other days have been for some reason.  Im in alot more pain and i'm a whole lot more emotional.  I can literally cry at the drop of a hat.  I’m trying to stay positive (God knows i'm trying) but today it’s just harder to do for some reason.  Sometimes, we have “loose ends” with people in our lives - people we love and miss very much – people we wish we could see and talk to more often.  That’s where I am today.  I suppose anything is possible but in this situation, it’s not likely that I’ll be tying up my loose ends before Tuesday.  It’s just “one of those days” – cloudy and cold outside, exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally – I’m just so tired. 

With just 2 days left until my first surgery, the months of preparations have come to an end:  weekly blood donations (4 total), several pre-op visits with the surgeon, an afternoon of pre-admission tests at the hospital, filling out endless and repetitive disability and FML paperwork, making lists for this and that, and cleaning the house (Oh Lord, the cleaning!!) – I feel like if I stop, even for just 3 minutes, I’ll either do one of two things: (1) pass out from sheer exhaustion, or (2) get all rammed up and start feeling my heart in my throat again (not a good feeling).  So with that, I clean and organize and re-arrange and re-organize!!  Everything!!  I completely understand why I’m doing it though.  It’s because I can control some aspects of this situation (how organized or clean my house feels, for example), but what I can’t control are these surgeries and what lies ahead for me and my family.  And anyone who knows me knows I’m the poster child for a “Type A” person.  When I stop and sit – just really sit, alone with my own thoughts, that’s when the real feelings and fears creep back into my head and the tears start falling.  It is a conscious decision (and a very difficult one at times) for me to go into this with only positive thoughts, but I’m trying.  Lord knows I am trying. 

The saying "ignorance is bliss" has taken on a whole new meaning for me because it really IS.  This isn’t my first time down this road.  There are plenty of things I wish I didn’t remember about those other 2 surgeries, but unfortunately I can’t un-remember them (and yes, I know that’s not a word!)  Going into this blind would be better I think than to go into it knowing what I know and what I experienced. 

So with that, I am officially surrendering all of this to God. I give it all to Him. I have taken all that I can at this point and am now ready and willing to move forward and do this.  I'm at the point where my mind, body and spirit simply cannot hold another single thought or "what if" or fear/anxiety.  As my Mom reminded me of something she heard in church referring to giving all of your fears and burdens over to God:  "I can't - You can - You promised."  And so with that, I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer.  The abbreviated version is the one most are familiar with but here is the original version:







God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Life is "Brutiful"....

I heard something on the radio (89.5) yesterday – it was a story about a woman who said that life was “brutiful” - - - brutal and beautiful - - - hence the term, “brutiful.”  She goes on to say that life is both brutal and beautiful and that we need to experience both and that we get through the brutal and experience the beautiful every day, week, month and year.  I loved it.  Brutiful – it’s so true!

 It’s snowed, finally!  We woke up to the beautiful scenery of a few inches of snow this morning and by the reactions of my two children, you would have thought Santa himself had just made a surprise visit overnight!  I wish we could all see life through the eyes of a child (and that includes snow).  Their eyes filled with wonderment, delight and just sheer joy at the sight of seeing how the snow blanketed the yard, trees and cars.  It was just enough snow to get them “suited up” in their big bulky snowsuits (much like that worn by the younger brother of Ralphie in “A Christmas Story!”)  They went outside with Daddy to help him clear off the cars, shovel the driveway and make snow angels…ok, well they didn’t help my husband much but they did make lots and lots of snow angels.  At one point I was standing on the porch watching when my son yelled, “Hey look Mommy!  Look at my snow angels!”  And in that instant, as I watched Matthew and Katie playing together in snow, I thought to myself, “Yes, would you just LOOK at my two beautiful little snow angels.  Thank you God for my snow angels!”

 So, today marks 3 days to go…three, as in 1-2-3.  It’s definitely hitting me now.  That is the brutal reality of it sitting right there in front of me and I can’t ignore it anymore.  It’s like when kids play hide-n-seek and yell “Ready or not, here I come!”  That’s sorta how I feel.  The orthotist dropped off my back brace this afternoon and I’ll need to bring it with me to the hospital on Tuesday.  It’s looovelyyyy (haha).  I started packing for “the trip” – not to Bermuda or Barbados…oh I wish…this trip isn’t one many would ever want to sign up for.  From what I hear, the view stinks, the food is awful and there’s no happy hour!  So how much underwear and socks do I really need when I’ll be in the hospital for 2+ weeks?  Do I bring a hairdryer?  My phone and iPad for sure – Santa got us an iPad so that Mommy could see the kids on FaceTime while in the hospital.  I love Santa for thinking of that!  And the phone has all my music, which I love so much and can’t live without!?  Definitely need to bring a few framed photos of me and the kids.  That will be the hardest part – not seeing the kids every day.  I worry how they’ll handle this – but kids are so resilient and with so many friends and family members offering their support, I know they’ll be ok.  It may take a while, but we’ll get “there.”  The other day my son was asking questions about my back surgeries and on our way home from daycare he said, “So Mommy, they’re gonna take out your bad bones and put new ones in but they just have to remember to not touch the sides, like in Operation (the game!)”  As I chuckled under my breath but at the same time wiped a tear away, I said “Yep Matt, something like that!”  Another “brutiful” moment…

And then there was HOPE…

I've been up since 2:10am with pain that just would not relent...I tossed, I turned, I fluffed pillows, I tossed some more...you know the story.  So at this point, I've been up for almost 5 hours and I've had alot of time to think.  And here's what I've been thinking about:  HOPE.  Small word, only 4 letters.  But big meaning...huge meaning...so I did some "research" and thought I'd share some with you.  With only 5 days to go, HOPE is something very near and dear to me.  It keeps me going and it keeps me from giving in.  Some days are better than others but I haven't lost it yet (hope, that is!) - Oh I've "lost it" many times (sometimes without warning), the flood gates just open up and out pour the tears.  But I haven't lost HOPE.  And here's why:


The word:  HOPE…“Hope provides us with an anchor; something to hold onto with our soul (intellect, emotions and faith). Faith needs hope to sustain it” (The Living Word Library).   Having a clear understanding of what God has promised you gives you hope, “an unfailing expectation in the ability of your God to fulfill His promise.”  Hope is something you think about and understand while faith is something you believe and confess even if you cannot understand it.  Hebrews 11:1 defines faith as: “the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see” (NIV).

 The place:  HOPE…last night, I had the honor and privilege of experiencing something so powerful and so uplifting that I couldn’t possibly keep it all to myself.  I was, for the first time in my life, “prayed over,” led by the Pastor of HOPE United Methodist Church (Jeff), and accompanied by 3 other members of the church who meet weekly to pray for prayer requests received by them.  This was by the far one of the most uplifting, encouraging and “full of hope” experiences I have ever had.  There were prayers for peace (not only for me but for my husband, children and parents as they go through this with me), prayers for strength and for successful surgeries, prayers for the doctors and nurses, just prayers for everyone involved in what lies ahead for me.  I was both grateful and humbled to have had the opportunity to experience HOPE, literally and figuratively, in such a positive, powerful uplifting and new way.  As I drove away, I noticed I was smiling – and my heart just felt lighter.  I left feeling a sense of renewal that things will be ok – that I will not walk this path alone and that with faith and hope and love, all things are possible.  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6) NIV.   

As I settled into bed last night, I thanked God…I thanked Him for HOPE…literally and figuratively, the word and the place.  Last night was everything I needed and more than I expected.

Sheryl Crow:  “I Shall Believe”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWuxlWl1rjs

How Great Thou Art...

Well, January 24th is now only 6 days away.  I woke up with a song in my head and it is absolutely without a doubt, one of my favorite songs ever.  I remember getting this song in an email many months ago.  I cried.  And when i replayed it, I cried again.  And I downloaded it on iTunes to my phone and when I hear, I cry some more.  I just love this song and it's ability to strike the soul in the manner with which it strikes mine is just amazing.  It is "How Great Thou Art," sung by Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill at the CMA's last year I believe.  It is beautiful.  Turn on your speakers, sit back, and have a listen (even if you're not a country music lover like myself, I know you'll be touched by it).  Here it is:

Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLLMzr3PFgk

So with that...after listening to that song about 30 times a day (or atleast 4-5 since I started typing this), for today, I will not focus on my pain - on what hurts - on how overwhelmed and scared I'm feeling.  I will think about "How Great Thou Art" and try to remind myself that for today, God is greater than any pain I am feeling.  I have 6 days to go before things start taking a turn for the better and waking up at 3am with all the pain I feel ends.  For today, I will remind myself of my strength instead of my weaknesses; I will remind myself of my hopeful anticipations and not focus on my fears; and for today, I will remind myself of just HOW GREAT THOU ART for walking beside me, guiding me and eventually carrying me through this. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (NIV)

Keeping the faith...

With 8 days until surgery, I came across two particular quotes late last night and early this morning that spoke volumes to me. They are from two totally different people talking about two totally different things - one from the past, one from the present - but their similarity is in how they describe or define "FAITH."  Martin Luther King once said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."  Well if that doesn't sum it up i don't know what does!  Life happens (and will continue to happen) just as it should: good - bad - or indifferent, according to His plan, God's plan.  Not necessarily OUR plan (or MY) plan - because God only knows i have a plan (or atleast a colored highlighter!) for just about everything in my life and signing up for these two surgeries was NOT in my plan.  But it was in His plan.  And slowly (painfully slowly) but surely, i'm getting that.  Faith really IS taking that first step, not knowing where you're going or where those stairs will lead you.



Now, I'm not exactly the most religious person in the world (but i do consider myself a very spiritual one) and although i don't follow Joel Osteen, I did come across this quote when looking for some uplifting and motivating words of wisdom.  He said in his book, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential:  “No matter how many times you get knocked down, keep getting back up. God sees your resolve. He sees your determination. And when you do everything you can do, that’s when God will step in and do what you can’t do.” And to me, THAT is what faith is all about.  Knowing that God has a plan and the He will carry me through this - He will "step in and do what i can't."  Because i can't get through this without Him.  And until recently, (and i mean very recently), i never really understood and/or believed that, sad as it is to admit.  This whole situation with needing "extensive," "complex," "huge" and "risky" surgeries as so many of my doctors have stated over and over, has been a real test of faith for me.  The more i think about it, the more i realize that i was meant to find these quotes and take something from them because they're exactly what i need at this point in time...on this day...at this moment.   In the (very few) quiet spaces of my racing, overwhelmed, crowded-with-a-million-thought's mind, I try to remind myself of this.  And it helps :)