One Month Ago Today...

One month ago today, I was undergoing the first of my 2 surgeries.  Alot has happened in a month.  Some good, some challenging, some unexpected...none bad.  I thank God every day that I made it through such a challenging and complex surgery and I also thank God for the unbelievable love and support that I have received from family, friends, co-workers, friends of friends and some strangers.  Truly amazed and humbled by all of the support - so to all of you who are reading this, for all of you who have said a prayer or an email or just a simple thought of well-wishes my way, I thank you...from the bottom of my heart.

This past month has been filled with alot of challenges...physical, emotional and mental.  I have come a long way in one month...I still have a long way to go until I'm where I want and need to be, but all in all, I have come a long way.  I have PT several times a week, working me hard and not letting me give in (or give up).  I want to be able to do more without getting so tired but I also have to remember that I can't overdo things or else I take two steps back.  I have to be patient with myself (something easier said than done for me!)  This week, my friends from MOPS and HOPE started delivering meals to our family several times a week, which has been a tremendous blessing to my family, especially my dear (exhausted!) Mom who has been wearing many hats all at once: taxi driver, cook, house keeper, laundry-doer (is that a title?!?!), caregiver to me and my 2 two small children, boo-boo kisser for the kids when Mommy isn't available, entertainer and about a million other things! I'm battling the emotional guilt part of not "being there" for my kids but when i am there, i'm really "there" for and with them...I try to spend quality time with each one as we're curled up on my hospital bed in the living room - we read a book, play a game or just cuddle.  I cherish those times and I know the kids understand that Mommy just isn't able to DO much yet - so even though they're young, i really think they know that Mommy is working hard on getting better and stronger so that Mommy can be a fun and active Mommy again!  Something I am very much looking forward to in the future. Mentally, it's exhausting and at times very frustrating to realize i can't do things - there are things you just take for granted doing until you can't do them anymore!  I know it's temporary - like Dr. Phil says, "This ain't my first rodeo." So i know as time passes i'll get stronger and things will get easier - and they are - but just not as fast as i want them to.  Again, patience...it's NOT my strongest quality.

Spiritually, I've never felt stronger or closer to God than I do now.  I have had a revalation of sorts.  It took walking thru hell to realize that when I couldn't walk, God was carrying me...and when I couldn't stand the pain not one minute longer, He allowed me to drift off into sleep as the pain medication kicked in.  And just when I felt all alone in this struggle and thought I would never get out of this "state" (of depending on others, of feeling completely helpless and reliant on others especially in the hospital), He was there to whisper in my ear that I am NOT alone, that He is with me in this journey - and i never really believed it until now.  I believe it now with my whole being.  With every ounce of who I am, i know that having gone through this experience, I am nothing without Him and it was He who carried and now currently walks with me through this journey as I continue down this long road of recovery.

I saw my surgeon this morning, the talented and very skillful Dr. Clements, who reminded me that i had "been through the wringer" and that I am right on target with where I should be at this point in time.  Very reassuring.  I will return in a month and have xrays prior to my visit. I have a piece of the Harrington rod as a token of just what was inside of me all these years causing me so much pain. Amazing to actually hold in my hand - and amazing that it (along with the rest of the rods and hooks) are OUT of my body now.  Humpty Dumpty has officially been put back together again with pedicle screws and smaller rods - and i'll post pics of my xrays once i have them in a couple weeks (I can't wait to see them!)  In the meantime, i thought i'd show you my BEFORE & AFTER photos - the before's were taken while i tried to stand with my back up against the wall - unable to do so, i had to bend my knees.  With knees straight, i was atleast 6" away from the wall.  The after, well - it speaks for itself :)  And the T-shirt was given to me by a US Marine friend of my Dad's - it says "Pain Is Weakness Leaving The Body."  How true!

 AFTER - knees straight, back against the wall~!!!

I'm going home!!!

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks post-op from surgery #1 and 2 weeks post-op from surgery #2. Three weeks ago today, I was packing my bags for the hospital. Hard to believe! I was nervous and eager to get things going. Well, we got them going alright! And now I'm heading home after spending 2 weeks in the hospital and 1 week in a sub-aute rehab facility. Although things didn't exactly go according to plan, they went well for the most part. Surgery #1 was the first hurdle, and in looking back on it, I cleared it with relative ease. Surgery #2 was a different story: 9 hours, lots of blood lost, difficulty handling the morphine which was wrapped around my spine to maximize pain management, 36 hours of the most bizzare and at times, the scariest hallucinations you could ever imagine -- and then there's the whole acute rehab nightmare of "he said, she said" surgeon vs. insurance company which in the end I never DID get to go to an acute rehab facility. Instead, my choices were (per my insurance company) to either (1) go straight home or (2) go to a subacute facility (aka: nursing home) for a week or so.

Given those two crappy choices, I made the only decision I could which was rehab, even if it wasn't what I had planned for, expected or wanted. It was something - and at that point in time, going home was NOT an option. So I made the most of my time here and worked hard (or as hard as my body would allow) and now I'm going home tomorrow! On Valentine's Day! And in plenty of time for my son's 5th birthday, which is this Sunday! All of my equipment will be delivered tomorrow and I'll have a full first-floor setup, including a hospital bed, rolling walker, raised toilet seat and a variety of dressing aides designed at increasing and maximizing my independence. Visiting nurse comes out on Wednesday and home therapy (PT and OT) will be set up for 3x/week starting next week. Eventually I will be able to go for outpatient PT but right now, it's too early.

"So, how am I doing/feeling?" - Well, I'm doing pretty well considering I feel like Humpty Dumpty...except instead of falling off a wall, I feel like I was run over by a tractor trailer a few times. My insides were, at one point, on the outside which from what I've learned - they don't like being on the outside! The worst is most definitely behind me at this point...no more blood transfusions, fevers, scary hallucinations, blown veins (the central line took care of that!), panic attacks, etc. I am definitely in pain but it's a different kind of pain now...more like a healing pain. It's difficult to get comfortable and I can't stay in one position for too long but I'm quickly learning what works and what doesn't work as far as that goes. It's trial and error. I don't have nearly the amount of endurance and energy I had before the surgeries and so I often need to rest, semi-reclined. Sitting in a hard chair for too long is very painful so moving around helps keep me from getting stiff. I have right-sided weakness in my right leg and numbness from my knee to my hip bone which I didn't have prior to my surgeries which is slowly getting better with each passing day. I notice the leg weakness most when I'm tired or when I go up/down steps. My blood pressure, which was incredibly high prior to surgeries has since gone in the opposite direction and is extremely low. That, along with feeling cold all the time, feeling tired/fatigued and looking pretty pale, is from the anemia which I developed from the extensive blood loss during my second surgery. Nothing a few doses of iron for a few months can't cure though!

I am getting stronger and stronger each day and although I still need assistance with some things (like getting in/out of bed, up/down stairs, getting in/out of a car etc), there are a lot of things I can now do on my own (like put my brace on/take it off, dress myself with the help of some really cool gadgets and get up/down from a chair). Of course, I can't drive yet or do household tasks but I can cuddle my kids and read them a book or play a game while they sit on the bed with me. It'll be a long time before I'm back to myself again but little by little, day by day, things get a little bit easier.

One thing that made this past week in rehab a lot more difficult was the fact that we had to very suddenly put our 3yr old lab, Tango, down last week. It was sudden and extremely sad not to mention untimely as I didn't even get to say my final farewells to him, but Chad and I take comfort in knowing that he is no loner suffering and he is now free from the uncontrollable seizures which plagued him for the past year. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I walked into the house yesterday, home for a few hours on a day pass from rehab, that my crazy happy gorgeous Tango was no where to be found. It was sad - and we will miss him a lot.

Surgeries are OVER --- Hooraay!!!

Well, it's over and done with now and I'm finally "on the other side!" It feels so good to be here. My first surgery on 1/24 went well (5-1/2 hours, ALIF at L4-L5, L5-S1 with back plate and pedicle screws). Second surgery on 1/31...well, bumpy to say the least but here's the low down: 9+ hours, PLIF fusion L1-S1 with pelvic fixation, and had laminectomies the entire length of my spine (lost 1/2 my blood volume and am very anemic and weak right now as a result), removal of Harrington rods and hooks. Had difficulty coming out of anesthesia and remained in PACU for a long time (several hours ) and spent 2+ days in ICU and received several blood transfusions back of my blood back afterwards due to the amount of blood loss. And let's not leave out the 24-36 hours of morphine-induced hallucinations. My spinal cord was wrapped in morphine as a method of pain relief for after surgery and apparently, my body doesn't like morphine! I had the most terrifying visual and auditory hallucinations of my entire life (even worse than '95 back surgery when it was "raining on me" and eventually went blind for a few hours - oh I was MUCH worse and very scary!)

BUT, thats behind me now so it's all good from here on out! It was bumpy but all in all, I am so glad I decided to have this done. I even grew a few inches as a result! No more "shopping cart syndrome" (as I call it) - I stand tall and straight and (although painful) proud! I am currently in a rehab hospital just 5 minutes from home and will be here for a couple weeks to build up my strength and endurance. I get so fatigued from even the smallest things but that will improve over time. I also have moderate weakness and numbness on my right leg which the doctor thinks should resolve in time. AND, I got to see my kids today forethe first time in 2 weeks! It was wonderful to see them but I have to admit, after their visit, I was exhausted. I am no where near ready to come and handle the house and kids yet! Once I'm home I'll have PT/OT a few times a week and then eventually graduate to outpatient. I'm in a brace when out of bed for the next 3 months and am doing well overall I think. The pain is manageable with pain meds and like I said, although it was bumpy, I'm so glad I did it - everyone looks so much shorter than me now! I've had and continue to have the most loving and supportive family and friends on earth! My hushand, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends including MOPS and HOPE, just EVERYONE has been truly amazing with the amount of encouragement and support - and for that, I am truly blessed and most thankful. Nothing but brighter days ahead - sure there will. Be blips and bleeps along the way, but things will only get better from here on....