6 Days To Go....

Well, this time next week, on Thursday night (11/15/2012), I will hopefully resting comfortably in ICU following what I hope and pray will be a very successful surgery. I'm trying to keep myself busy, mentally and physically - well, ok mostly mentally...the physically part basically consists of me walking my 7 month old yellow lab, Molson (as in the beer) around the block, but at least it gets me out of the house and doing something. I've also become highly skilled in the art of folding and refolding clothes - mainly my kids clothes - they could care less how long it took Mommy or Nana to meticulously fold their little shirts and pants and place them neatly in their drawers. They just rummage through them like the kitchen 'junk drawer' (c'mon, you know you have one too!) My husband and I went out for a loooooong overdue 'date night' last weekend and we had a great time. It was so nice to just sit and talk and not worry about whose touching who at the dinner table or whose tossing what they don't want to eat onto the floor. So this is what sanity feels like?!?!  It's been so long I forgot what it felt like, and it was just wonderful to get out with my husband, even if it was only for a few short hours. We have another 'date night' with my church group this Saturday night as well - - woo hoo for us - - going out 2 weekend nights in a row!  I can't wait to get out again; it will be our last date night for quite some time...

Mentally, it's been a bit harder for me to occupy the spaces of my brain and retain important or useful information  for more than a few minutes...and then I'm confused and the information and what I thought was correct becomes jumbled and incorrect. And if it requires more than 2 steps, forget it!  Ok, (1) open microwave, (2) insert strawberry PopTart....uh....oh yeah, press 'start' - NO, enter 20 seconds then press start. And be sure to remove the FOIL WRAPPING! You should SEE the sparks that fly when you don't (not that I know first hand or anything....I'm just saying...)  Anyway, if you ask anyone whose had regular contact with me, especially the poor (and very patient, understanding) teachers at my children's school, they'll tell you just how mushy my brain and memory has become. If I'm not forgetting this, I'm mixing up that. It's terrible. And for anyone who knows me....really knows me, they know that I am sooooooo not like that. Not all that long ago, I was sharp as a tack, had a list (and highlighter) for anything...no erasing, just rewrite the whole darn thing! Now I'm lucky if I remember to bring my phone, which contains the list of items I need at the store. And I'm no psychologist, but I'm fairly certain it's due to the amount of stress and anxiety I'm feeling at this point. If I'm not worrying about whether or not I'll be ok after all is said and done next week, I'm worrying about my husband, my 2 young children, my parents. All of this has taken such a toll on my family. And we're all exhausted...mentally, physically, spiritually...2012 was definitely NOT one of our better years and I'm very hopeful that 2013 will be alot better for us.

My friend at church, who is extremely active in a variety of ministries, including book studies sent me this excerpt from a book they're reading called "Unglued," by Lysa TerKeurst. In in, the author is discussing some Bible versus (Romans 12:2, 2 Corinthians 10:5, Jeremiah 29:11). She sent the following to me because when she was reading the book, she thought of me. It's no secret I've been struggling...with everything...I will end this post with an excerpt from the book that seems have my name written all over it...it is so unbelievably true no matter what mountain you're climbing or what stuggles you're dealing with.

"I can't control the things that happen to me each day, but I can control how I think about them. I can say to mgyself, 'I have a choice to have destructive thoughts or constructive thoughts right now. I can wallow in what's wrong and make things worse or I can ask God for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don't feel good. Indeed, when we gain new perspectives we can see new ways of thinking...But I couldn't just say it or think it. I had to believe it. And in order to believe it, I had to settle a matter of trust in my heart. Could I trust God and believe that He is working out something good even from things that seem no good? You see, if I know there is potential good hidden within each chaotic situation, I can loosen my grip on control. It's easier to loosen my grip when I can see the good. When I can't immediately see the good, loosening my grip becomes a matter of trust. Either way, as long as I believe - really believe - God is there and that He is out to do me good. I can stop freaking out trying to fix things on my own. I can rest in the fact that God is in control which means I can face things that are out of my control."

 

 

 

 

8 DAYS TO GO.....

 

The "8 Ball."  Am I behind it or in front of it?!?!  I have no idea why, but I like the look of a big black and white 8 ball staring me in the face. In "pool" or billiards, if you sink it, game over. I don't plan on sinking my eight ball anytime soon!  I look at that big 8 and I "feel" lucky, fortunate, blessed, whatever term you prefer. No idea why but I do. About a year ago, I said to my (new at the time) friend Heather, "I am so lucky to have found HOPE Church and to have made so many new friends here." She just smiled and got this funny look in her eyes and said say, "Oh Sweetie, luck had nothing to do with it - the Holy Spirit had His hands all over this one." And was absolutely right. Luck had NOTHING to do with it. I found myself saying that exact phrase to my Dad a few weeks ago when I took him to 'my church' - I had introduced him to the Pastor and my Dad said something like, "She is so lucky to have found such a wonderful church and so many wonderful friends here at HOPE." The Pastor and I looked at each other and then I smiled and said, "Dad, luck had nothing to do with it. The Holy Spirit had His hands all over this one." What a great moment.

Somehow 8 days seems like an eternity, yet it seems like it's right around the corner too...like next weeks' corner! I remember counting down the days until my very first surgery - I was so naive back then; totally blind as to the mountain I would have to climb once all was said and done. I remember being a little nervous but ir wasn't all-consuming; I was young and had no idea what I was about to do and just how much pain I would be in afterwards. In a way, it was good - sometimes not knowing is better - but I know now - and it doesn't help.

 

A person, I'll call her an 'acquaintance' (and she will remain anonymous) said to me a couple months ago when she learned of my upcoming surgery (with a bit of an 'edge' to her tone I might ad) ,  "Well it's probably like childbirth, right? Somehow your body just knows what to do and just does it?" "Uh NO! It's nothing like childbirth but thanks for offering your unbelievably idiotic point of view." I was so taken back by her comments, I just chalked it up to ignorance. Childbirth lasts for hours, some times 4 to 24 but it's only hours, (and yes in rare instances days) but it doesn't last weeks, months or years; childbirth was something I excitedly anticipated because in the end, we would get to hold our beautiful little baby in our arms; and childbirth was a magical, miraculous process that only women are blessed enough to experience. It reinforces our strength (Our poor husbands wouldn't last 2 minutes into labor! Sorry guys). Spinal fusion surgery is nothing like childbirth. Absurd! I guess I can't fault her for having no clue as to what it's like to go through something like this - it's like trying to explain heaven. You couldn't possibly describe it unless you've actually been there and even when you've been there and it's not your time and you come back, you still can't explain or describe it - unless you've been there! In hindsight, I think in her own way, she was probably trying to make conversation as well as try to ease my mind. Either way, it didn't work.

There is just no way on God's green earth I can compare this surgery to childbirth; having experienced both several times now, trust me on this one. When surgeons are pulling out DeWalt power tools and hammers, you know it's bad. Unless you've actually HAD this kind of excruciatingly painful, extensive, invasive, pain-so-bad-you-can't-imagine-it-if-you-tried surgery, then you can't (and shouldn't) attempt to compare it to anything (other than maybe open heart surgery)! I had both of my children au naturale...just me, myself and I working towards a common goal - get that baby out...and fast!!! At least with childbirth, there was a beautiful baby at the end...there was a "prize" - there was this teeny tiny, squishy, beautiful baby at the end of all that hard work and within 30 minutes of  I felt great! No so with this kind of surgery. I like to think that when I'm in that operating room, all the angels in my life will be crowded around me watching over me that there will hardly be any room for the surgeon and his team of physicians.

With this type of surgery, especially a 15-level fusion, there really IS no "prize." There is the 'chance' of a parting gift, like a 40% chance of 'some' pain relief. Daunting be very necessary. There is no magic cure for scoliosis - no pill, no exercise, no operation will ever get rid of it. It's painful, very painful at times. Scoliosis surgery gives no guarantee of pain relief, no guarantee of improved quality of life, and certainly no guarantee that significant complications can arise (like bleeding, infection, need for more surgery, non-fusion, hardware defect and most important, surgical competence of the man or woman operating on you!) Surviving the 8-10 hour surgery and not catching staph or some other kind of infection is like throwing the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. You don't really "get" a prize. You get (at best) Happy Meal toy, which may or may not result in less pain, more mobility, less physical deformity and more life-living activities.You wake up in agony, remain there for days, then you're sent home (often still in extreme pain) to remain there some more. I'm not trying to be a downer but this is the reality of it. I'm just being honest - which is what I said I be when I first started this blog. Some may ask, "Then why even bother going through such an ordeal?" My answer is quite simply: "Them. Those two beautiful children pictured below that God gave me. They deserve to have their Mommy back and I'm going to try and give her to them."

As much I want to do this for ME and for the chance of a life with even a little less pain, I'm also doing it for those 2 beautiful kids. I'm going to try and give them "me" back - because I'm not the same "me" I was even a year or two ago. I'm grumpy, impatient, in constant pain. It's not their fault we can't go to the park, or zoo or on day trips or outings...it's mine..."Mommy's back hurts" - that's all they hear. And it's not fair to them (or me or my husband). It's become normal for us to stay in all the time. And when we DO go out somewhere, they're so excited! How sad is that??  As for this surgery, it's the only option I have right now. Right now, today, I'm merely existing. Going through the motions in constant pain. I don't whine and moan about it...but people who know me say they can "see it" - my facial gestures, the way I'm walking, just how I look. When you get to the point where I am, quite simply, what do you have to lose???  Nothing!!! When your kids refer to the hospital bed in the living room as "Mommy's bed" or 'Mommy's room," you know it has gotten bad. This hospital bed has sadly become another piece of furniture in my living room, like the couch and end tables. I sleep alone, every single night down here; I can't sleep in my own bed because I can't roll over with tugging on my husband and waking him with all my grunt-filled attempts at rolling over. My 12 yr old pup Macy keeps me company. But it is lonely. And it is time for something to go my way. And I'm praying that this surgery is it. I have plenty of time to think down here by myself - and so I dream of the time where I'll be able to kick a soccer ball with my son and not have to stop after 3 or 4 kicks b/c it just hurts too much; I would love, for once in my life, to NOT worry about how far or how long I'll have to sit in the car to go somewhere; to wake up or go to bed without all this pain; to sleep more than 3 hours every night; I would just love to have my life back.

 

With no other options on the table, I really AM looking the bull in the eye and saying "C'mon, I'm ready." And I am. I'm ready to have a chance of getting even a small portion of my LIFE back...I'm tired of being a spectator in my own life and it's time I got back into the game of life....of living life with my family, friends, etc; of going to the zoo or taking day trips to Ocean City. Now that I'm facing surgery #5 in just 8 days, my stomach is remembering all-too-well the pain that i will once again be facing. I have to admit though - that through every trial and tribulation, thru all of my ups and downs, through all of my physical gains and even the setbacks, I never threw my hands in the air said "That's it. I give up. I'm done." I can't...for the sake of my husband and children, I can't just give up and remain stuck here" thinking about all the things I'm missing out on and what I wish I could be doing. A family vacation - could you imagine!?!?! I'm tired of merely existing...therefore, I'm trusting God that He will carry me through this operation and recuperation - He is all that I need and He will carry me through the difficult times like He has done time and time again, whether I realized it at the time or not.

 

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb

You carry me, Jesus carry me.

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need

You are everything,

You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder for me
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek

You are everything in my time of need



12 Days To Go...

Well, so much for the single-digit count down. Back to double digits.  But i just thought of something that will hopefully help me get through the next (almost) 2 weeks....#12 was (and still is) 'my number.' It was my number all through high school and college playing soccer and my little guy even got a #12 jersey when playing soccer (and it was completely random!)

Maybe that's a good sign. I don't really believe in 'lucky numbers' and good luck charms or anything but the #12 just pops off the page at me as I type this - - 12 days to go - - and hopefully after all is said and done, I'll be less of a spectator and more of a participant in the lives of my husband and children. Every Saturday, my son asks "Mommy are you coming to my soccer game today?" and every Saturday I have to tell him the same thing: "I doubt it buddy...it's a lot of walking and it's really far from the car to soccer fields. We'll see though." He's had 8 games and I've made it to a grand total of 2 and that was only 30' for each. I really want to go to his games and enjoy them and not be in so much pain; and I don't want my first thought to be 'how far is the walk' or 'is there anywhere to sit?' Pretty sad. But I can't beat myself up about it. I always make a big deal when he walks in after his games and my husband always takes pictures for me. So we manage. But I want nothing more in life than to have this surgery help my pain, even if it's just a little bit, so I can start living again.

 

There is so much to do and see and i feel like it's all just passing me by. So to get me out of my funk, I decided to make a list of my TOP 12 THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. So here it goes:

1. My wonderful husband who loves me, broken bones, grumpy days and all without hesitation

2. My two amazing children who gave me the gift of 'motherhood'

 







 

3. Stopping to smell the roses (or any other pretty flowers)...literally



4. Waiting for a sunrise...then watching the sunrise

5. Watching the sunset over the ocean...it's an amazing sight to see, as if the ocean swallows it up

6. Making new friends...and keeping them





7. Telling someone you love them...and meaning it...

8. Great big bear hugs.....



9. Falling in love....and staying there...

 

10. Watching your children sleep...

 





 

11. Sinking into a HOT BATH and drifiting away to anywhere but here...it's a place where pain  doesn't exist and bones and muscles don't hurt...

12. Watching the joy on your children's faces when they play in the leaves

 









Surgery Rescheduled....

Thursday, November 15th @ 8am

Cooper University Hospital

That's the big day, like it or not, that I'm (re)scheduled for surgery. It was the earliest possible day he could fit me in and with the hospital operating in 'Emergency Mode' on Monday & Tuesday, you can only imagine the number of surgeries that needed to be rescheduled. With 14 OR's and dozens upon dozens of patients who need to be rescheduled from being cancelled Monday and Tuesday, surgeons are scrambling big time to coordinate staff and Operating Rooms in order to reschedule their most pressing cases first. I guess I had what amounted to an adult temper tantrum. No throwing of objects or dropping to the floor and kicking my feet (I'd never be able to get back up! LOL) But it was a temper tantrum, no less.



I was in utter disbelief, shocked really. Not that I'm happy about having another surgery, but I was looking forward to it in a way, so that it would be over and done with by now and so I'd be home from the hospital enjoying Thanksgiving dinner (and my 40th birthday) sitting around the table with my family. Instead, I'll be spending all of the above either in the hospital (Cooper University Hospital) or at the rehab facility (Magee Rehab Hospital). The secretary actually told me how "lucky" I was with having gotten a surgery date so soon given that the hospital had to cancel dozens of surgeries on Monday and Tuesday due to Hurricane Sandy Now, I'm feeling A LOT of things these past few weeks and days, but lucky definitely isn't one of them. And to be perfectly honest, if this is how 'lucky' feels then I'd prefer to feel 'unlucky.' Here's how 'lucky' I am:

• I donated 3 pints of my own blood over the course of 3 consecutive weeks in preparation for this surgery. With rescheduling my surgery, 2 out of 3 will expire (one already has); I need a whole lot MORE than 1 meager little pint of blood. I decided to donate one more pint next Thursday and that's it. I just can't DO anymore than that. My arms are so black and blue and so sore from all the needle pricks and IV lines...one and done...that's all I can do. Of course there is always blood bank blood. I'll have to ask my surgeon if having a family or friend donate on my behalf would be ok (I'm A+) - several have offered and I might just have to take them up on it!
• My husband was supposed to be out of town during the week I was originally schedule to have surgery; well, his company rescheduled it for him and they cut the training down from 2 weeks to 1 since I was having surgery. Now, my husband WILL definitely be out of town during and after my surgery. So, we'll have to say our goodbyes on Monday and he won't be home until Friday or Saturday. The timing of all this just stinks. But boy oh boy, do I feel lucky!!!
• I'll almost certainly be spending my 40th birthday (which happens to be on Thanksgiving this year) in the hospital. Not at all what I had planned. But hey, blow up some latex-free (of course!) gloves and  tie them to a string and we have 'balloons' and 'guess that animal' games!  LOL! Afterall, I'm lucky!
• With my surgery being so close to the weekend (on a Thursday), I'll get the wonderful, oh-so- happy-to-be-at-work 'weekend staff' which usually isn't as good as the regular weekday staff. My surgeon has always told me from the start, "I will make sure you're scheduled for a Tuesday; that way i'll be there the rest of the week in case something comes up." Well, with 75+ patients cancelled for surgery Monday & Tuesday, he had to take what he could get so that I could have this done and so that he could reorganize his "team," which by the way he hand picked. He said at one point, "I could do your surgery at midnight, but I don't want just anybody in that OR with me. I want to pick them." That's also what is delaying things." It's certainly not ideal to have to wait another 2 weeks but to know that I will have the best of the best nurses, doctors, anesthesiologists, etc working with and monitoring me make me feel a lot better. AND it's better than waiting a month for surgery since he's booked into mid-December.

So, I'll do another blood donation and PRAY that I get someone very good this time. I've gotten one or two that were decent but overall, it's a process and necessity of surgery that I dread. I will keep all of you updated and post any changes, but for now - that's the story: surgery 11/15 at 8am.

Surgery cancelled...due to "Sandy"

Hi everyone...a lot of you have been asking to find out if my surgery, which was scheduled for today, was still going to happen. The unfortunate answer to that is NO, it was cancelled mid-afternoon yesterday. I have no idea when the surgeon will be able to reschedule me but I am hopeful that we won't have to wait too too long. Stay tuned...I will keep you all posted as soon as I know anything. Thank you ALL of you for everything: your prayers, support, phone calls, emails etc.

The Perfect Storm...

Ok, remember when I wrote about finding humor and laughter in painful situations?? Well, now is the perfect scenario to try it again (try being the key word here...)  Me, with my multi-colored highlighters in hand, my multiple-sized calendars (one for almost every room of the house), and all of my never-ending iPhone, iPad and laptop 'alerts' and 'reminders' - Well, I didn't quite plan for this one. I was hoping to spend the weekend de-stressing and trying to relax and instead my anxiety is building over what is coming...the uninvited guest who is about to wreak havoc on us...but I had other plans - and it didn't involve "Sandy." And so fear of what will happen, fear of the unknown - that is what i'm struggling with right now. So, as the Army says, I am trying very hard to just 'embrace the suck.' Like it or not. Embrace it. Acknowledge it. I can't fight it or change it so I'm just trying to get through it. Easier said than done...but i'm trying!

And like it or not, "Sandy" is heading our way. She is jeopardizing my surgery on Tuesday - and all those pints of blood I donated (which expire 30 days after you donate it). She's putting a lot of question marks in my weekend and adding a whole lot of extra stress that I really don't want or need right now. I'm not a fan of "Sally" and I want her to just go away so that I can get this thing over and done with already! "The perfect storm," the hurricane of all hurricanes," "Frankenstorm" (thank Christine!) is coming and I'm trying very hard to just let go and breathe - and trust that everything will go the way they're meant to go - whether it's my way or not. I'm trying to remain steadfast...focused...calm...this too shall pass...I'm trying to just get through the weekend...and get to Tuesday...and if Tuesday comes and goes and I end up NOT having surgery, I have to accept it and just trust that things will work out - I have no choice and it's futile to worry about it. I won't know if surgery is a go or not until Monday afternoon/evening - if the surgeon can't get to the hospital Tuesday morning, then my surgery won't happen - I just pray that if it IS postponed, it's not postponed too long so that my pints of blood expire - I have to trust Him - I do trust Him - I'm just scared.

"Everyone goes through trials and tribulations; however, those who remain steadfast in God’s Word have the advantage of patiently enduring knowing that God gives them victory every time."

(Isaiah 40:31)



Finding Humor & Laughter in Pain...

With just 5 days to go, I'm trying VERY hard to focus elsewhere...ANYWHERE but where I am right now...which is right here, 5 days away from another surgery. I'm trying to focus right now on something I heard (or read) years ago: (and forgive me if I'm paraphrasing but it goes something like this):  If you can find humor and laughter in painful situations, then you can get through them...you can overcome them...you can survive them. I never really thought about it but I never forgot it either. I didn't even know I remembered it until now...Humor won't change a "painful situation" (and it can be any kind of pain: physical, emotional, pscyhological, etc) but it can sure lighten the mood when the air you breathe is thick and heavily burdened....

Easier said than done: "to find humor and laughter in pain" *no matter what the 'pain'* I totally get that. Really, I do! Many of you would probably agree with me there. Case in point: I come from a great (and I do mean GREAT!) BIG Irish Catholic family - and so when someone passes away, we have a great big Irish Catholic funeral - maybe you've heard of such occasions?? It's a "send off" so to speak. Full of sadness but also full of celebration - of the life our loved one lived - of how that person touched our lives and of how we can honor and remember them in a way THEY would want to be honored and remembered. And let me just say, for as much love and for as many members are in this great big family of mine, there is just as much, if not more, LAUGHTER. My family is full of comedians - both young and old!!! And no gathering is short of laughter.

Ok, so imagine the viewings, funerals and "luncheons" when a loved one passes in one of these great big Irish Catholic families (like mine!) What immediately comes to mind are those 'luncheons' which follow the funeral mass and burial. I remember as a teenager and even young adult, stopping and staring (glaring really, like 'how dare you!') at the sound of laughter...LAUGHTER...at one of these 'funeral luncheons' (where, by the way, it's ok to have a drink before noon apparently - haha! In fact, it's ok to have several drinks by noon!) Anyway, I digress. I never really understood HOW it was possible that we, as family members and friends of the loved one who passed, could possibly smile or God forbid LAUGH out loud on such a somber occasion. I always thought to myself, "People!?!? Get a grip and stop being so disrespectful! Don't laugh...be SAD...we're supposed to all be sad. Not irreverant and certainly not laughing!"

I remember quite clearly feeling angry that people could actually SMILE on such an occasion, and to LAUGH?? Well that was downright disrespectful and insulting. However, what I didn't fully understand until many years later when my uncle and 25 yr old cousin passed away within 1 year of each other was that it was ok to cry, to smile, to retell funny stories of the loved one who passed, and yes, to dare I say it, LAUGH. Although it was a time of tremendous and overwhelming sadness and pain, it was how we all celebrated and honored our loved one...by smiling, by retelling stories which often provoked tears of sadness and of joy at the same time...and yes, it provided some much-needed levity to what was otherwise a very sad and painful occasion. At that point in time, I wasn't ready to join in on the story sharing, the laughter or even the smiling to be quite honest but in hindsight, that is how we all got through it...by "finding humor and laughter in an extremely sad and painful situation...that's how we survived it."

Now, I'm not talking about funerals and how we handle, get through and survive such sad events in our lives in order to upset anyone. I'm bringing all of this up because to me, the phrase I quoted in the first sentence means something...I believe it...and I think most of you would agree that if not for an occasional (and very delicate) break of humor or levity in what would otherwise be a very somber and painful experience, it would be more difficult to get through it. My use of humor is when I say I'm in "survival mode," it's true! I'm just trying to get from sun up to sun down without hurting myself (or anyone else!) by falling over an ant hill or a dust bunny. "Survival mode" is all about necessities: 'need to do' and 'nice to do' lists: Need to do = get the kids up, dressed, fed (and it doesn't always mean a 'healthy and balanced breakfast' (haha) - sometimes Scoobie Snacks and a banana ARE a balanced breakfast! and out the door for school! I have to learn to see the humor in life - to not take myself so seriously - to enjoy and perhaps embrace the dust bunnies in the corner (just as long as I don't FALL over them - hahaha!) I'm human and my house is a wreck but that's ok (Good Lord, did I just say that!?!?) I have to remind myself that when life is scary, painful and full of unknowns, I have to surround myself with good friends, good family, a good book or funny movie and and a good dose of humor every now and then. It does wonders for my heart and soul.



ENJOY :)