12 Days To Go...

Well, so much for the single-digit count down. Back to double digits.  But i just thought of something that will hopefully help me get through the next (almost) 2 weeks....#12 was (and still is) 'my number.' It was my number all through high school and college playing soccer and my little guy even got a #12 jersey when playing soccer (and it was completely random!)

Maybe that's a good sign. I don't really believe in 'lucky numbers' and good luck charms or anything but the #12 just pops off the page at me as I type this - - 12 days to go - - and hopefully after all is said and done, I'll be less of a spectator and more of a participant in the lives of my husband and children. Every Saturday, my son asks "Mommy are you coming to my soccer game today?" and every Saturday I have to tell him the same thing: "I doubt it buddy...it's a lot of walking and it's really far from the car to soccer fields. We'll see though." He's had 8 games and I've made it to a grand total of 2 and that was only 30' for each. I really want to go to his games and enjoy them and not be in so much pain; and I don't want my first thought to be 'how far is the walk' or 'is there anywhere to sit?' Pretty sad. But I can't beat myself up about it. I always make a big deal when he walks in after his games and my husband always takes pictures for me. So we manage. But I want nothing more in life than to have this surgery help my pain, even if it's just a little bit, so I can start living again.

 

There is so much to do and see and i feel like it's all just passing me by. So to get me out of my funk, I decided to make a list of my TOP 12 THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. So here it goes:

1. My wonderful husband who loves me, broken bones, grumpy days and all without hesitation

2. My two amazing children who gave me the gift of 'motherhood'

 







 

3. Stopping to smell the roses (or any other pretty flowers)...literally



4. Waiting for a sunrise...then watching the sunrise

5. Watching the sunset over the ocean...it's an amazing sight to see, as if the ocean swallows it up

6. Making new friends...and keeping them





7. Telling someone you love them...and meaning it...

8. Great big bear hugs.....



9. Falling in love....and staying there...

 

10. Watching your children sleep...

 





 

11. Sinking into a HOT BATH and drifiting away to anywhere but here...it's a place where pain  doesn't exist and bones and muscles don't hurt...

12. Watching the joy on your children's faces when they play in the leaves

 









Surgery Rescheduled....

Thursday, November 15th @ 8am

Cooper University Hospital

That's the big day, like it or not, that I'm (re)scheduled for surgery. It was the earliest possible day he could fit me in and with the hospital operating in 'Emergency Mode' on Monday & Tuesday, you can only imagine the number of surgeries that needed to be rescheduled. With 14 OR's and dozens upon dozens of patients who need to be rescheduled from being cancelled Monday and Tuesday, surgeons are scrambling big time to coordinate staff and Operating Rooms in order to reschedule their most pressing cases first. I guess I had what amounted to an adult temper tantrum. No throwing of objects or dropping to the floor and kicking my feet (I'd never be able to get back up! LOL) But it was a temper tantrum, no less.



I was in utter disbelief, shocked really. Not that I'm happy about having another surgery, but I was looking forward to it in a way, so that it would be over and done with by now and so I'd be home from the hospital enjoying Thanksgiving dinner (and my 40th birthday) sitting around the table with my family. Instead, I'll be spending all of the above either in the hospital (Cooper University Hospital) or at the rehab facility (Magee Rehab Hospital). The secretary actually told me how "lucky" I was with having gotten a surgery date so soon given that the hospital had to cancel dozens of surgeries on Monday and Tuesday due to Hurricane Sandy Now, I'm feeling A LOT of things these past few weeks and days, but lucky definitely isn't one of them. And to be perfectly honest, if this is how 'lucky' feels then I'd prefer to feel 'unlucky.' Here's how 'lucky' I am:

• I donated 3 pints of my own blood over the course of 3 consecutive weeks in preparation for this surgery. With rescheduling my surgery, 2 out of 3 will expire (one already has); I need a whole lot MORE than 1 meager little pint of blood. I decided to donate one more pint next Thursday and that's it. I just can't DO anymore than that. My arms are so black and blue and so sore from all the needle pricks and IV lines...one and done...that's all I can do. Of course there is always blood bank blood. I'll have to ask my surgeon if having a family or friend donate on my behalf would be ok (I'm A+) - several have offered and I might just have to take them up on it!
• My husband was supposed to be out of town during the week I was originally schedule to have surgery; well, his company rescheduled it for him and they cut the training down from 2 weeks to 1 since I was having surgery. Now, my husband WILL definitely be out of town during and after my surgery. So, we'll have to say our goodbyes on Monday and he won't be home until Friday or Saturday. The timing of all this just stinks. But boy oh boy, do I feel lucky!!!
• I'll almost certainly be spending my 40th birthday (which happens to be on Thanksgiving this year) in the hospital. Not at all what I had planned. But hey, blow up some latex-free (of course!) gloves and  tie them to a string and we have 'balloons' and 'guess that animal' games!  LOL! Afterall, I'm lucky!
• With my surgery being so close to the weekend (on a Thursday), I'll get the wonderful, oh-so- happy-to-be-at-work 'weekend staff' which usually isn't as good as the regular weekday staff. My surgeon has always told me from the start, "I will make sure you're scheduled for a Tuesday; that way i'll be there the rest of the week in case something comes up." Well, with 75+ patients cancelled for surgery Monday & Tuesday, he had to take what he could get so that I could have this done and so that he could reorganize his "team," which by the way he hand picked. He said at one point, "I could do your surgery at midnight, but I don't want just anybody in that OR with me. I want to pick them." That's also what is delaying things." It's certainly not ideal to have to wait another 2 weeks but to know that I will have the best of the best nurses, doctors, anesthesiologists, etc working with and monitoring me make me feel a lot better. AND it's better than waiting a month for surgery since he's booked into mid-December.

So, I'll do another blood donation and PRAY that I get someone very good this time. I've gotten one or two that were decent but overall, it's a process and necessity of surgery that I dread. I will keep all of you updated and post any changes, but for now - that's the story: surgery 11/15 at 8am.

Surgery cancelled...due to "Sandy"

Hi everyone...a lot of you have been asking to find out if my surgery, which was scheduled for today, was still going to happen. The unfortunate answer to that is NO, it was cancelled mid-afternoon yesterday. I have no idea when the surgeon will be able to reschedule me but I am hopeful that we won't have to wait too too long. Stay tuned...I will keep you all posted as soon as I know anything. Thank you ALL of you for everything: your prayers, support, phone calls, emails etc.

The Perfect Storm...

Ok, remember when I wrote about finding humor and laughter in painful situations?? Well, now is the perfect scenario to try it again (try being the key word here...)  Me, with my multi-colored highlighters in hand, my multiple-sized calendars (one for almost every room of the house), and all of my never-ending iPhone, iPad and laptop 'alerts' and 'reminders' - Well, I didn't quite plan for this one. I was hoping to spend the weekend de-stressing and trying to relax and instead my anxiety is building over what is coming...the uninvited guest who is about to wreak havoc on us...but I had other plans - and it didn't involve "Sandy." And so fear of what will happen, fear of the unknown - that is what i'm struggling with right now. So, as the Army says, I am trying very hard to just 'embrace the suck.' Like it or not. Embrace it. Acknowledge it. I can't fight it or change it so I'm just trying to get through it. Easier said than done...but i'm trying!

And like it or not, "Sandy" is heading our way. She is jeopardizing my surgery on Tuesday - and all those pints of blood I donated (which expire 30 days after you donate it). She's putting a lot of question marks in my weekend and adding a whole lot of extra stress that I really don't want or need right now. I'm not a fan of "Sally" and I want her to just go away so that I can get this thing over and done with already! "The perfect storm," the hurricane of all hurricanes," "Frankenstorm" (thank Christine!) is coming and I'm trying very hard to just let go and breathe - and trust that everything will go the way they're meant to go - whether it's my way or not. I'm trying to remain steadfast...focused...calm...this too shall pass...I'm trying to just get through the weekend...and get to Tuesday...and if Tuesday comes and goes and I end up NOT having surgery, I have to accept it and just trust that things will work out - I have no choice and it's futile to worry about it. I won't know if surgery is a go or not until Monday afternoon/evening - if the surgeon can't get to the hospital Tuesday morning, then my surgery won't happen - I just pray that if it IS postponed, it's not postponed too long so that my pints of blood expire - I have to trust Him - I do trust Him - I'm just scared.

"Everyone goes through trials and tribulations; however, those who remain steadfast in God’s Word have the advantage of patiently enduring knowing that God gives them victory every time."

(Isaiah 40:31)



Finding Humor & Laughter in Pain...

With just 5 days to go, I'm trying VERY hard to focus elsewhere...ANYWHERE but where I am right now...which is right here, 5 days away from another surgery. I'm trying to focus right now on something I heard (or read) years ago: (and forgive me if I'm paraphrasing but it goes something like this):  If you can find humor and laughter in painful situations, then you can get through them...you can overcome them...you can survive them. I never really thought about it but I never forgot it either. I didn't even know I remembered it until now...Humor won't change a "painful situation" (and it can be any kind of pain: physical, emotional, pscyhological, etc) but it can sure lighten the mood when the air you breathe is thick and heavily burdened....

Easier said than done: "to find humor and laughter in pain" *no matter what the 'pain'* I totally get that. Really, I do! Many of you would probably agree with me there. Case in point: I come from a great (and I do mean GREAT!) BIG Irish Catholic family - and so when someone passes away, we have a great big Irish Catholic funeral - maybe you've heard of such occasions?? It's a "send off" so to speak. Full of sadness but also full of celebration - of the life our loved one lived - of how that person touched our lives and of how we can honor and remember them in a way THEY would want to be honored and remembered. And let me just say, for as much love and for as many members are in this great big family of mine, there is just as much, if not more, LAUGHTER. My family is full of comedians - both young and old!!! And no gathering is short of laughter.

Ok, so imagine the viewings, funerals and "luncheons" when a loved one passes in one of these great big Irish Catholic families (like mine!) What immediately comes to mind are those 'luncheons' which follow the funeral mass and burial. I remember as a teenager and even young adult, stopping and staring (glaring really, like 'how dare you!') at the sound of laughter...LAUGHTER...at one of these 'funeral luncheons' (where, by the way, it's ok to have a drink before noon apparently - haha! In fact, it's ok to have several drinks by noon!) Anyway, I digress. I never really understood HOW it was possible that we, as family members and friends of the loved one who passed, could possibly smile or God forbid LAUGH out loud on such a somber occasion. I always thought to myself, "People!?!? Get a grip and stop being so disrespectful! Don't laugh...be SAD...we're supposed to all be sad. Not irreverant and certainly not laughing!"

I remember quite clearly feeling angry that people could actually SMILE on such an occasion, and to LAUGH?? Well that was downright disrespectful and insulting. However, what I didn't fully understand until many years later when my uncle and 25 yr old cousin passed away within 1 year of each other was that it was ok to cry, to smile, to retell funny stories of the loved one who passed, and yes, to dare I say it, LAUGH. Although it was a time of tremendous and overwhelming sadness and pain, it was how we all celebrated and honored our loved one...by smiling, by retelling stories which often provoked tears of sadness and of joy at the same time...and yes, it provided some much-needed levity to what was otherwise a very sad and painful occasion. At that point in time, I wasn't ready to join in on the story sharing, the laughter or even the smiling to be quite honest but in hindsight, that is how we all got through it...by "finding humor and laughter in an extremely sad and painful situation...that's how we survived it."

Now, I'm not talking about funerals and how we handle, get through and survive such sad events in our lives in order to upset anyone. I'm bringing all of this up because to me, the phrase I quoted in the first sentence means something...I believe it...and I think most of you would agree that if not for an occasional (and very delicate) break of humor or levity in what would otherwise be a very somber and painful experience, it would be more difficult to get through it. My use of humor is when I say I'm in "survival mode," it's true! I'm just trying to get from sun up to sun down without hurting myself (or anyone else!) by falling over an ant hill or a dust bunny. "Survival mode" is all about necessities: 'need to do' and 'nice to do' lists: Need to do = get the kids up, dressed, fed (and it doesn't always mean a 'healthy and balanced breakfast' (haha) - sometimes Scoobie Snacks and a banana ARE a balanced breakfast! and out the door for school! I have to learn to see the humor in life - to not take myself so seriously - to enjoy and perhaps embrace the dust bunnies in the corner (just as long as I don't FALL over them - hahaha!) I'm human and my house is a wreck but that's ok (Good Lord, did I just say that!?!?) I have to remind myself that when life is scary, painful and full of unknowns, I have to surround myself with good friends, good family, a good book or funny movie and and a good dose of humor every now and then. It does wonders for my heart and soul.



ENJOY :)

"Pedal fast and steer!"

My son, who will be 6 in February, finally learned how to ride his bike WITHOUT training wheels this weekend! YAY! Maybe he's a bit of a late-bloomer when it comes to that sorta thing, but we never wanted to push him (no pun intended!) into doing it until he was ready. And often times (ok, every time), when he fell 2 or 3 times, he was done. "Bike Riding Without Training Wheels 101" was over almost as quickly as it had started. He had already given up on himself it didn't matter what we said. And that's one of the hardest things to overcome...when someone has already given up of himself, you CAN'T make them think differently. You just have to keep the door of opporunity open and the encouragement for when he is ready and willing to give it another try plentiful and abundant. My little boy didn't give up on HIMSELF this time, despite falling time after time. And he didn't give up on what he set his mind to DO this time. HE DIDN'T GIVE UP. 

Now, 'the bike' is Matt's "old bike" (which looks brand new!) but without training wheels. 'The bike' was almost dreaded and he would get so frustrated with his rare attempts to ride it sans training wheels that at times, we dreaded it too. 'The bike' sat in the garage and collected dust for almost 2 years and it was on taken out on occasion so our he could ride it with the training wheels on (or sit on it while Daddy tinkered in the garage). But without the training wheels, it became 'the bike.' Before today, when we would say, "Hey, let's go out give 'the bike' another try today!" Matt would always say, "Nah, I don't wanna" or "But Mom, there are big cracks in the sidewalk" or "But  Mom, the sidewalk bends and I don't want to hit a big tree!" And true, there are cracks in some areas of the sidewalk (their size is relative i suppose when learning to ride a bike!) and there are some big trees that we didn't want him to hit either, but I'd always say, "Well, Daddy will help you steer around them (the big trees!)" or "Daddy will help you pedal fast so you go right over the 'big cracks' on the sidewalk." Lip music to a little boy. But like I said, today was different. This time he had a sense of "Ok, let's DO this already!" and I just LOVED seeing such determination in this little guy. SUCH 
determination! 

So, he and Daddy started out as they always had: bike (check!); bike helmet (check!); lots of cheering and encouragment from the observers (check, check and triple check!); training wheels - NO WAY!! Matt had an audience of family members and neighbors (both kids and adults) observing from a distance (and some right next door!) and cheering him on as he first built up his confidence on the grass (to soften the falls, of which there were MANY!). Then they moved onto the sidewalk.  As usual, Daddy pushed, held on, helped him steer, held on some more, ran next to him, held on some more and as usual, Matt would fall as soon as Daddy let go. BUT, at one point Matt said, "Let's try it on the grass again Dad...then we can do the sidewalk. Ok Dad?" Well alrighty then. He did pretty well on the grass but as soon as he stopped pedaling, he'd fall (obviously!) going maybe 2-3 ft and mostly because of momentum! Well, after what seemed like an eternity of literal up's and down's (haha) and after thinking we'd have to call it day and try again tomorrow, Matt said "Ok let's try the sidewalk again Daddy!" Well, ok....let's DO this!

"You can DO this," I kept saying cheering to him. "I know you can DO this buddy!" Once on the sidewalk and once he got going, we all kept cheering, "Keep going! Keep pedaling buddy! You got it! Keep going! Keep going!" Well, something clicked. He GOT it. Daddy started him off like he had done 100 times before by jogging next to him and helping with the "keep pedaling, steer, STEER!" And then.....HE LET GO....and before we knew it, he was pedaling that bike, passing 1 house and then 2 and 3 houses as Daddy jogged 1/2 crouched over in case he wiped out (saving several neighbors' cars along the way!) He finally did it! He put his mind to it and didn't give up! Sure he fell about 100 times along the way before he got to that point, but he GOT it. He learned to ride that bike!  You could SEE the sense of accomplishment in his eyes - literally! He was beaming with pride and grinning from ear to ear with happiness from a job well done and an accomplishment 2 years in the making!

Maybe the difference this time was that he never really set his mind to DO it before, I don't know. But I DO know he had always given up on himself in the past when it came to "the bike." He's no quitter. He learned that today and despite feeling disappointed in his past attempts, I always knew he wasn't a quitter. It was just that the timing wasn't right. He's got such an incredibly competitive spirit, but this time it wasn't "his team" vs. "the other team." This time, it was him vs. himself. And "the bike." This weekend, he experienced what it truly means to face a challege head on and to give it all you've got, even when you fall down. You get back up. And when you fall down again, you get back up (AGAIN)! And even when the pavement is uneven and the "sidewalk has big cracks in it" and there are "big trees" in your way, then go around them and pedal faster! And steer! Who knew we could all learn a lesson from a little boy learning to ride a bike (or at the very least, be reminded of the lesson). When faced with a challenge, "go around the big trees, pedal faster so you can get over those cracks, and steer!" I'm so pround of my not-so-little guy. So incredibly proud of him. This weekend, he learned how to ride 'the bike' - - It was definitely one of my all-time favorite "atta boy" moments for me. And with 8 days left til surgery, I'll have to remind myself to 'go around the big trees,' 'pedal faster to get over those cracks' and above all else, 'remember to steer' (when I'm at the wheel - but God's driving this car...not me!)

 

"Thank You, My Angels...Thank You"

I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who believes in angels. According to a poll conducted by the Associated Press (AP-GfK) last December (2011), 77% of Americans believe in angels. Furthermore, 88% of Christians, 94% of evangelical Christians and 95% of "people who attend weekly religious services" (regardless of particular religious preference) believe in angels. In addition, more women than men and people over 30 vs. under 30 tend to believe in angels.

But what about 'Earth angels?' Hebrews 13:2 of the Bible states, "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it." Hmmmmmm....have you ever thought about that?? Ever?? Angels taking on a human form. I don't think believing in angels has anything to do with your religious beliefs or background and I don't believe you can deny the fact that not EVERYTHING can be scientifically proven. The 'practice of medicine' is just that: practice. - In it's own description, the word 'practice' implies to me that you still need to keep going until you get it ALL right, have ALL the answers and can cure ALL of the diseases, illnesses and conditions (including scoliosis) that exist in the world. Well, that's an easy one for me. It's a resounding YES. I do believe in life after death, and I do believe whole-heartedly in angels, both heavenly and earthly. 

I have many heavenly angels who sadly have passed away from a variety of things including heart disease,  heart attacks, brain cancer, ALS (Lou Gherig's Disease), diabetes complications, car accidents just to name a few. My heavenly angels include my grandparents (with exception of my almost 97 year old Nana!), my inlaws, an uncle, my 25 year old cousin, 2 college friends and many patients with whom I've had the privildge of working. I cant see them but I can feel their presence at times. In more recent weeks, as my surgery appraoches amd my anxiety increases, I often find myself talking to them, asking them for guidance, and peace. And often times, they help me in one way or another.

My 'Earthly angels' are just that...my angels here on earth. One I've known since 9th grade and one I met last year while working at a local retirement community (and you both know who you are!) Two earthly angels have seen me through the past 4 spine surgeries, putting their lives on hold so that they could be of help to me and my family. Their love, support and loyalty--unwavering. And then there is my host of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Other earth angels I've met through church groups, book studies and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). Many of my earth angels are extended family members and some have crossed my path in various kind ways ways and are complete strangers. I thank God every day that He chose to bring them ALL into my life at various points in time and for various reasons. Whether friend, family member or stranger, they've all been my 'earth angels.' On many occasions, I've often thought of that saying, "if not for the kindness of strangers..." As for my family and friend earth angels, I would change that saying to "it was all due to the kindess and support of PEOPLE, my 'Earth Angels," both familiar an unfamiliar, friend, family and stranger." No matter who they are, ALL loved and appreciated by me for the various ways they've touched my life (whether they know it or not)!