"You Can Run...But You Can't Hide"

I had the most wonderful, amazing experience today and I just can't keep it to myself.  I feel compelled to share it with you and I hope you find comfort and inspiration from it. My day started out like every other weekday: kids wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, squabble and annoy one another for an hour and then it's off to school (!!!) I ran a few errands and was back home by 10:30am.  I decided to give my aunt and uncle a call to see if it was ok to come over for a short visit as my uncle recently had major heart surgery. My 96 year old grandmother also lives with them and had been quite a while since I'd last seen her too. I've been meaning to call or stop by on so many occasions, but somehow, life takes over more often than not and before I know it, the kids are home and the daily chaos begins all over again. I don't ever want my "I meant to's" to turn into "I wish I had." It happened with my son when he was born and my ailing grandmother. To this day, my one and only regret in life is that I didn't get a chance to introduce them before she passed away.

But today was different. I can't explain how...or why...but I had an amazing encounter with God. I felt very strongly that I just had to go visit my grandmother and aunt and uncle (who live about 15 minutes away) immediately...like as soon as I hung up the phone. I can't explain it. But I'll do my best to describe it. However, I already know I won't do my experience justice. Unless you're me, you couldn't possibly understand what came over me and how different I left compared to when I arrived.  Little did I know what was to happen an hour into my visit.

We all sat in the family room and as I entered, limping and wearing my "2nd skin" (my clamshell), they were all sitting around almost in a circle on various pieces of furniture and they ALL had smiles on their faces.  It was delightful to walk into that room given the stress and struggles here at home. I made my way around the circle, greeting each one with a kiss on the cheek, paying particular care to not bend over too far. My uncle is such a fighter, having had open heart surgery just 2 weeks ago, and now he's home and was sitting upright in a chair; not to mention, he climbs 2 split-level staircases to sleep in his own bed each night!  I can't even do that. He is so strong for having gone through such an ordeal. Next was "Nana," bright and sunny Nana, sitting on the couch, lop-sided, as she always is.  She looks amazing for a woman about to turn 97 in just 2 months!  A little hard of hearing (ok...a LOT!) but aside from that, she's doing great. My aunt was next and she is just always so full of hope and sincerity, asking how I'm doing and feeling and never forgetting to remind that they pray each night for me as a family. What a blessing I am to have such a loving, supportive family right here in my own back yard when so many are too far for me to drive. And then my cousin, "Big Mac" (his name is Matt), as my 5 yr old calls him. But he's not big anymore...he's "thin, muscular Mac/Matt" - he looks wonderful and he has been my saving grace (and so have his sisters!) when it came to the ER visits and 911 calls where he would rush over to watch my kids while I was off to the hospital for a fall, or chest pains, etc.  Again, I am blessed to have such support and love.

The doorbell rang about 40' into my visit. I thought maybe the lady who entered was a PT coming to have a therapy session with my uncle. It was actually a woman from their church, Mary, who came to bring Holy Communion to them, as she has done since my uncle came home from the hospital. Talk about a compassionate, upbeat, genuine person?!?!  She also brought with her a prayer with a photo of Padre Pio on it. What a powerful prayer! I didn't make it 1/2-way through her opening prayer before I was completely overcome with emotion and was literally trying to muffle and silence my tears. But I couldn't. She spoke first that Christ was the first to suffer (on the cross) and that since he suffered and died for us, He will suffer with us and carry us through our suffering, no matter what.  He will not leave us to suffer alone, in silence, in turmoil.  He is there with us. Always. Mary then began to read the prayer of Padre Pio and oh the tears! They flowed and flowed, and as I wiped them away reverantly as Mary continued to read, they continued to flow down my cheek, dropping one by one onto my back brace. She then asked if she could lay her hands on me and pray for me and of course, I agreed. And moved once again, I was. Beyond words. I had no intention of becoming such a spectacle, but when the Spirit moves you, He moves you...and you have no choice but to accept it. And I did. Happily and with great gratitude.

Shortly after Mary left, my uncle turned to me said, "Ya know what? You can run...but you can't hide! Jesus will find you. And He found you today. He'll always find you because He never leaves you." And as I made my way to the door, giving each one a kiss on the cheek, I found myself hesitating in the doorway, soaking up the room and the loved ones in it like a picture. I realized it might be the last time I see them. I'm so scared for what is to come that I honestly don't know if I'll see them again. I know it's in God's very capable hands now and whatever will be will be. I can't change it so I need to stop worrying about it and just try to enjoy the time right now (3 wks to the day) with my family while I'm still mobile and not recovering (again).  I pray every day that God will bring me through this surgery with flying colors. "His Will be done" as my Mom would say. I guess I feel compelled to share this very personal, very moving experience and God's message of FAITH and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE with the world because deep down, I don't believe it's my message at all...

(Below is the prayer that Mary read):

 

Stay with me, Lord, for it is necessary to have You present so that I do not forget You. You know how easily I abandon You.

Stay with me Lord, because I am weak, and I need Your strength, so that I may not fall so often.

Stay with me Lord, for You are my life, and without You, I am without fervor.

Stay with me Lord, for You are my light, and without you, I am in darkness.

Stay with me Lord, to show me Your will.

Stay with me Lord, so that I hear Your voice and follow You.

Stay with me Lord, for I desire to love you very much, and always be in Your Company.

Stay with me Lord, if You wish me to be faithful to You.

Stay with me Lord, for as poor as my soul is, I want it to be a place of consolation for You, a nest of Love.

Stay with me, Jesus, for it is getting late, and the day is coming to a close, and life passes, death, judgment, eternity approach. It is necessary to renew my strength, so that I will not stop along the way and for that, I need You. It is getting late and death approaches. I fear the darkness, the temptations, the dryness, the cross, the sorrows. O how I need You, my Jesus, in this night of exile.

Stay with me tonight, Jesus, in life with all its dangers, I need You.

Let me recognize You as Your disciples did at the breaking of bread, so that the Eucharistic Communion be the light which disperses the darkness, the force which sustains me, the unique joy of my heart.

Stay with me Lord, because at the hour of my death, I want to remain united to you, if not by Communion, at least by grace and love.

Stay with me Jesus, I do not ask for divine consolation because I do not merit it, but the gift of Your presence, oh yes, I ask this of You.

Stay with me Lord, for it is You alone I look for, Your Love, Your Grace, Your Will, Your Heart, Your Spirit, because I love You and ask no other reward but to love You more and more.

With a firm love, I will love You with all my heart while on earth and continue to love You perfectly during all eternity. Amen.

The Preparations...and the "Baggage"

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So, here we are....3 weeks out from THE BIG ONE...by far, THE scariest one I have ever faced...and definitely the most daunting one of all...I'm talking surgeries here but I think you probably already figured that out by now! It's scheduled for TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30th and is expected last 8+ hours, give or take.  This past week, I began to do all the things, which sadly feel quite familiar to me, all over again...the weekly pint of blood donations at the Red Cross (I'll need to do 3 total); the pre-admission testing consisting of a physical, X-rays, EKG, blood work; and oh yeah! Let's not forget the 24/7 nausea and "GI upset," along with the several-times-week panic attacks (which I never experienced, by the way, until this time last year when I was preparing for the 2 surgeries this past January). At this point, I say to myself with a pit in my stomach so heavy and painful it feels like a baseball on fire, "Oh no, I remember this feeling." The surgery is coming and I can't escape it...it's the worst feeling (well, ONE of the worst feelings) I've ever had in my life...and I've had a lot of them...I feel trapped...no way out with only one ugly, scary as hell option ahead of me...I don't want to but I have to...I keep going day after day...I keep the actual surgery so deep down inside of me that the anxiety comes out in panic attacks...but soon it will all be over...soon I will have my life back...

As much as I dreaded the blood donation on Thursday, it was actually quite pleasant. Doesn't sound possible, right? Someone sticks you with a big, fat needle while your heart is pounding and your blood pressure is sky-high and you have to lay there while someone watches your blood drain into a bag and I say how pleasant it was? Well, let. Me explain. I had the most delightful woman, Belinda, calm my fears and reassure me with her calm, confidence and upbeat manner. She said she'd "take good care of me" and that I'd be "just fine when I'm done." She was a breath of fresh air - she smiled and smiled and even when she wasn't smiling, her voice was so light and happy that I forgot where I was and what I had to do. When she saw I had to come back two more times after today, she said to me "Ooooo weeeee, what exactly are you having done if you don't mind my asking? That's a lot blood for a little lady." Hah! Little lady?!?! I'm not so little any more after sitting around for 7 months with a broken back, but I just loved her enthusiasm in asking! So I told her....and she SMILED...yep, she smiled ear to ear and said the same thing as when I first got there. "You'll be just fine. Those doctors and nurses are gonna take good care of you. God won't make you walk thru fire without without seeing the sunlight on the other side. It's in Gods hands. You'll be ok. You will." I loved her tone and her comforting words. Her smile was so incredibly sweet and reassuring. Wouldn't it be nice if EVERYONE you met was as sweet and kind as Belinda?!?! And so it was a great way to start out my morning...and Belinda was just who and what I needed on Thursday...funny how God sends you people just when you need them....

And you know what? She was right...about my experience that day with her and about it being in Gods very able, more than capable hands. I'm scared to death - I'm afraid of how things will turn out - but God didn't make me to be fearful and full of anxiety. He made me to trusting and strong. And I'm trying...to be really trusting and really strong...but it isn't easy...but I know that when I'm too weak to walk and the days are too long and painful to bear, He will carry me through it, as He has done from the beginning and continues to do. I am in the best hands....I'm in Gods hands. I have remind myself of that every single day that sure, this surgery is daunting and terrifying...BUT God has it all under control...My Mom told me she heard something from my Aunt that was so true regarding God and how He will carry all of us through whatever it is that we're facing in life: "I can't, you can, you promised." And God always keeps his promises.

Isaiah 41:10 reads,

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I had my pre-op testing on Friday and as I was driving, that familiar "burning baseball in my stomach" feeling came back. I parked the car, took a deep breath and headed to the hospital. Once I walked in, I sat down and watched Rachel Ray...but that feeling never went away...after 15' I realized I was having trouble catching my breath...my heart was POUNDING a mile a minute...and my fingers were getting tingly...and I remembered the feeling - - a panic attack. It lasted about 20' and then I felt myself starting to breathe slower and I was calming down. But it wasn't completely gone. When I was called into the familiar exam room that I remembered from January, it was still there...my heart rate was 112 bpm just sitting there...doing nothing...can you say "anxiety?" But it was fine...I was fine and I didn't let it overwhelm me. 3 hours later, I was home and exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. It's really going to happen...the surgery...it is all I can do to not vomit when I think of what will happen...

• Remove my "new" screws and rods, which are currently fused from L1-S1 and into my pelvis
• Break the fusion that has already started to heal in order to remove the rods
• Clean out and repair my fractured T12 transverse process
• Fuse T2 all the way down to S1 - - that's a SIXTEEN (16) LEVEL FUSION!!! (OMG)
• Add more pedicle screws from L1 up to T2 so that new, LONGER rods can be put in
• Once again, fuse my spine to my pelvis...O....M....G....

(Deeeeep breath....) When all is said an done, this is pretty much what I will look like...I believe this picture is of from a scoliosis forum friend, "titanium ed" - and he's doing VERY well. I hope my experience is just as successful as his but it's important to note that this was his first surgery, not 5th.

So yeah, I'm anxiety-ridden and full of fear, and BAGGAGE...lots of baggage...who wouldn't be?!?! And it's taking it's toll...my stomach is so upset all the time. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. My mind is racing...I can't answer simple questions sometimes because I'm so lost in my own thoughts. I'm losing weight. I'm irritable and impatient. I am broken. And I am scared. Everyone says how brave I am and strong I am.  And to that I say, "Well thanks but I don't see myself that way at all.  I'm scared to death!  I just have no other choice."  I have to do this because I can't continue to live like this. I want my life back...and my husband, my kids, my family and friends - they want ME back. So do I. I want "Me" because I don't like the person I've become due to all of this.  I want to think about something other than my pain. I want to enjoy my life again.  I want to smile more.  plan family vacations to Canada and summer trips to the zoo and the jersey shore.  I don't want to lie to people when they ask "How are doing?"anymore.  I'm sick of my pain and physical limitations holding me back from life. My kids deserve the best ME possible and right now, I'm not the "me" I want and need to be for them. I'm missing out.  And I pray to GOD this surgery changes that.

I have to admit that facing such a daunting and risky surgery like this makes me analyze my own life: what I did right, what I did wrong, how I could've changed situations where misunderstandings and hurt took over instead of love and acceptance. It makes me really look at and want to mend my fences, right my wrongs and reconcile the broken relationships in my life, regardless of fault. The possibility of facing my own mortality makes me more honest, more true to myself, trust me on that one. If something, God forbid, were to happen to me, I'd want my family and friends to know just how much I love and appreciate all they've done for me.  I want my sister and brother to know how much I love and miss them - how I wish things were different for our families.  I wish my children could know theirs. If there is something that needs to be said, I say it. If there is an apology that needs to said, then I give one...regardless of how much time has passed. If there is forgiveness to be given, then I forgive because God has forgiven me and my very imperfect self.

I pray for alot of things and people in my life lately: my parents, whose unending love, support and selflessness to their family is unlike anything I've even heard of or seen with other families. Their generousity in everything they do is beyond admirable. They should win an award for the countless times they've been there for me and my family, physically...emotionally...spiritually...and I thank God for them every single day of my life. I also pray for my sister (Denise) and brother (Donny)...and their families...and I hope someday they realize just how much I love and miss them and how much I want them back in my life...until then...So, Donny...Denise...If either of you happens to read this, I pray for God to bring you back into my life in some small way....any way....I pray for my nephews, B, G, T and R. I pray for their spouses D and P. I pray that God will bring them all back into my life some day. I pray for softness in your hearts and for love to bring you to me in some small way...an email, a letter, a text, a phone call. Anything. God didn't make me an only child. God made me the 3rd of 3 children in my family and this 3rd child really needs her big brother and sister back in her life. I need you both desperately...so if you're reading this, please find it in your heart to contact me before my surgery (10/30/12). If that isn't possible, please feel free to contact me afterwards. I miss you both terribly...my heart aches for you both...I'm not able to just scratch your names off the slate of my history - - you're both out there - - and I'm right here - - so please, please find it in your heart to contact me. I need you both in my life and I'm in turmoil over not having you or your families know mine. Time may not heal all wounds but it sure does lessen the pain from them. I have long forgiven myself of any wrong-doings i've done to you, just as God has forgiven mine. I'm not preaching but I wish if there were hardness is your heart directed toward me that you'd atleast let me know what it was and work with me to mend those broken fences. If not, there's nothing I can do but wait...and hope...and if I leave this earth and never see either of you again, then please know I tried with all my heart to contact you - - and I prayed endlessly that we'd reunite. And know that I have, and always will, love you both more than you will ever know.

Family© Ryan Guerrero

Not enough hours in the day, we often say
we watch as the business of life allows time slip away.

Before we know days turn to months and months into years,
Time is mapped with laughter and cheers,
the long road sometimes landmarked with sadness and tears.

Elders pass and children grow,
has it been that long we ask, where does the time go?

Not every chance to gather is taken.
"We'll see them next time" we say and hope we're not mistaken.

A chance like now comes once in a lifetime it seems,
when the bright light of family is nurtured and beams,
there will be laughter and time to reminisce
we will all be proud this is a chance we did not miss.

 

Deja Vu...Wasn't I Just Here???

Well, all I can say is "WASTN'T I JUST HERE?? DIDN'T WE JUST GO THRU ALL THIS??" In just 6 weeks, i will have my 5th spinal reconstruction - my 3rd of this year alone. The thought of that just hasn't really hit me yet. I can say it....but it's almost like i don't really believe it yet. But like it or not, that date (OCT.30th) will come and I'll be back on that operating table before I know it. This time though, it needs to work. It needs to needs to needs to work! A broken back is extremely painful, for those of you who have never experienced it. Back pain in general, even without a broken back, is at best excruciating at times. If I hadn't broken my back in mid-March, I truly believe I would be doing very well at this point (8 months post-op). But, that's not what happened. So we move forward. Do I have a choice? Quite simply, no.

I get asked ATLEAST 2-3 times a week by someone, anyone - a friend, a family member, neighbor - they say, "I don't know how you do it. Two youngs kids 3 and 5 and all that goes with it." And again, i just smile and, "Quite honestly, I don't know either - all I know is that I don't have a choice. I don't get to sit and moan and groan about what hurts and boo hoo to the kids." They're kids! They're just doing what kids do - it's ME, it's Mommy who feels broken and is in constant pain. I guess if I were to really answer that question honestly, I'd say, "Well, I pray...alot lately - and i just get by and live in survival mode." As long as the kids are clean, fed, dressed and semi-happy (haha), then that's good enough for me. And by 'semi-happy' I mean not throwing themselves on the floor having a tantrum over which sneakers to wear or what princess panties to wear!  There is some laughter in our house but honestly, it's so hard to be a happy "good" Mommy when you're in constant, unrelenting stabbing pain with any movement. SO, like I said - we're in survival mode and we're getting by - taking each day as it comes and doing the best we can to be happy, polite, loving and respectful to one another.

So, I am T-minus 6 weeks and counting...the surgery is expected to last approximately 8 hours and it will be done at Cooper again. As you've probably read, I'm fused L1-S1 into the pelvis. With this upcoming surgery the doctor will remove the rods, add screws on either side of my spine from T12 (the broken vertebra) all the way up to T2 - - basically my entire back will be fused from top to bottom including my pelvis. He will then extend rods on either side of my spine to stabilize the entire thing. The #1 risk is bleeding, which I had a big problem with on the 2nd surgery of this year with losing 1/2 of my blood volume. The second biggest risk is infection - apparently because I have so much scar tissue from all of my previous spinal reconstructions, all that's left is scar tissue (whereas someone else would have muscle). Apparently, scar tissue has a very high incidence for infection...great...just great...SO, i will be on antibiotics again before and after surgery, and they will also re-infuse the blood I lose back into me during surgery after filtering it - and again I'll have to donate 3 pints of blood (1 pint a week 3 weeks before surgery).  YUCK - that's the worst part. Well, one of the worst parts. So that's the summary of what's happening and what WILL happen in just 6 weeks.

As always, your prayers and support are very much appreciated.

8 Weeks and counting....

Well, a LOT has happened since last i wrote back at the end of July. And i apologize for not keeping up with my blog but i didn't feel it was important to write about the minutia of my daily struggles or reading depressing posts, so i waited til i had something worth writing about to post. You get the idea.

Anyway, to start....the shots i had for "SI dysfuntion/arthopathy" didn't work because as i said all along, it's not my SI joint (sacro-iliac joint) that is causing my pain - but hey, what do i know? I'm just the patient. But the pain dr and my ortho dr insisted that it was most likely the SI joint giving me pain and problems.  Uh...huh...right...okay then, so i get them done - wait - wait - and wait some more and nothing (as i expected). So once it was clarified that it was a big waist of time (my interpretation not theirs of course! haha!), i decided what's the point in waiting [for surgery, that is]...this back brace that i've been wearing since March 24th is not working (that's over 5 months!) - and I wore/wear it religiously, even now, when i don't really have to wear it anymore...i wear it...just in case - oh let's say I fall off a porch, for instance!  It's good to have it on.  And speaking of falling off porches, which i did last week without even thinking about it, accidents can and do happen - so i wear the brace all the time.

So on August 25th, my Uncle Larry took me to the sureons office to discuss, ask questions about and discuss the specifics of my upcoming 3rd spine surgery.  I, myself, even typing this can not believe #3 is just 8 weeks from tomorrow:

          WHAT:     3rd back surgery (see below for details)
          WHEN:     10/30/12
          WHERE:   Cooper University Hospital
          WHY:        T12 transverse process is still broken with no signs of healing
          TIME:        Early AM on Tuesday 10/30
          LENGTH OF SURGERY:    Estimated at 8+ hours start to finish

Here's what Dr. Clements will do to stabilize my back and T12 fracture:

• He will go in and explore the fusion, tighening any exhisting loose screws, removing any bone spurs that may have formed.
• He will ADD pedicle screws from 1 level above where my current fusion beings (L1); so in my case he will first add screws upward starting at T12,11,10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3 and end at T2 which is very high up on the spine--S1 to T2---that's a 15-16 level fusion...that's enormous.
• He will then REMOVE the current rods and put 2 new rods fomr T2 to T12.
• The major risks for this surgery are BLEEDING & INFECTION.  It was explained to me and my Uncle as being a lot more risky with regard to bleeding and infection due to the number of major back surgeries I will have had on my spine *which 4 before this surgery* He said because i have so much scar tissue, that makes me much more susceptible to infection. I had NO idea scar tissue had a higher incidence of infection as opposed to muscle.  And basically since my spine is ALL scar tissue up and down my, back why he said that.
• As for the loss of blood (last surgery i lost HALF my blood volume, he's going to add a blood recirculation machine so whatever blood I do lose will go right back into my body and then after surgery, i'll also get the blood that i donated back as needed.

SO there ya have it.  The "nuts and bolts" of it all.  In 8 weeks this will all be a distant memory!

So here's some good news: our Katie Kakes spent her first night in her big girl bed last night with NO problems whatsoever!!!  She LOVES her new princess sheets and blanket and pillow! Thank goodness for Walmart!  And Matt starts soccer next Saturday so we're very excited about spending our Saturday morning hour at his games :) - - they are, and continue to be my #1 priority in all of this and i want to try and keep everything as normal and routine as possible for their sake. And yes, my Mom & Dad will be shortly before my surgery to help out with the kids and help with me! I'm so blessed to have such loving and supportive family and friends.  I honestly don't know WHAT i would do without them in my life. I am so grateful to have them during such a scary time. But we WILL get through this. We will.

Here we go again...Surgery #5

Well for any of you who've been following me and my blog, I thank you and wish I had this earth-shattering wonderful news to share with you all...BUT, after another visit with my orthopedic surgeon, such is not the case.

Back in March (24th to be exact), I somehow broke my T12 transverse process.  I was fitted for a TLSO (a back brace) and spent a month in a rehab hospital getting strong enough to come home. I came home and was doing fairly well but continued with pain of varying sorts.  Slowly, "things" started getting harder, my balance was getting worse, my strength seemed to wax and wane. My entire right side from my knee to my shoulder blades started to hurt more and more. But my doctor kept saying "Everthing looked fine" - everything was clearly NOT fine. I fell on my bedroom floor last weekend and my right foot continues to turn purple if I, my leg goes numb when out for breakfast and my right foot is always soooooo much colder than my left.

Today, the orthopedic surgeon was clearly disappointed to see that the T12 has not healed at this point. It should've healed by mid-May, so by 4 months it most definitely should have healed. It is still broken clear thru side to side, left to right thru solid bone (SEE BELOW: dead-center eye level)

So with that news, the only way to fix it and stabilize the spine and vertebrae is to extend the fusion up to T2-3.  He would leave the current screws in place in my lumbar spine, add more screws on either side of my spine up until the point at which he was satisfied, remove the current bars on either side of my spine and then place new ones (bars) the entire length of my spine.  Sound familiar?? Didn't we just DO this??  Ugh.  I often wonder why he didn't do this to begin with but at the time, his answer was "Your thoracic spine is solidly fused at this point so there would be no point in refusing that area."

So, I don't know...that's where I am...Oh yeah, on Monday my god-father is taking me to have spinal injections into my SI (sacroiliac) joint and tibial nerve under sedation. Thank GOD for sedation, and for poor uncle who will be here at the not-so-bright but very early time of 6am.  His hope is that it will help with my leg pain and numbness and my right hip pain.  Fixing T12 by fusing all the way will hopefully fix the very painful areas along and just right of my spine.  Dear Lord, I pray it works.

A bump in the road, but all is well....

Well, last week was interesting, to say the least.  On Friday, I was 911'd to Cooper with excruciating chest pains that didn't let up after about 45' - and at that point, the pain was traveling up into my left shoulder.  It was very scary.  I called my cousin, who dropped everything and came over to watch my son, and within 4' of the call, a police cruiser and ambulance arrived (with no sirens or lights, at my request, as i didn't want to scare my son or bring attention to the neighbors about what was going on). I was admitted thru the ER and was discharged Sunday night...it was all due to a stone (even though i don't have my gall bladder anymore!) that was blocking my common bile duct, which caused a bit of pancreatitis - the actual diagnosis was something called "post cholecystectomy syndrome.".  VERY painful, whatever it was and i'm just glad it's over and that I'm home again.  My mom came up and will spend about 2 weeks with me...i'm really "wobbly" on my feet, as alot of people have mentioned to me, and i'm not quite sure why -- I saw a pain management doctor last week and maybe it's the new meds...my legs are still really really weak...but i can't do outpatient PT until the T12 transverse process heals.  I'll be going for an xray while my Mom is here and i see the surgeon again in a couple weeks.  HOPEFULLY it has healed by now...i sure hope so...

So I need to tell you what an amazing group of people from my church, HOPE Church, who name i still believe was meant for me...anyway, meals have been arranged for the next couple weeks as well as some light housekeeping and shopping if i feel i need it.  Rides to/from doctors offices, whatever!  They're ready and willing to do it all.  Through all the trials and tribulations, I am constantly reminded of God's grace and love - HE is in control of all this, not me - and HE will get me through it...whatever "it" turns out to be.  Through it all, I am blessed.

A Long & Narrow Road....

Hello to everyone and please accept my apologies for not updating my blog as I intended.  The 4-5 weeks have been filled with ups and downs...the ups are that my daughter is finally potty trained! Yay!  She starts preschool in September and just finished a week at Vacation Bible School and she absolutely loved it!  Another up is that Matt starts what we call "van camp" in a week or two - he goes all day to an outdoor lake/camp and does all the things we wish we could do when we were little (horseback riding, swimming, canoeing, ropes courses, nature hunts, arts & crafts and of course every sport you can think of --- especially hockey!)  Another up (and we realize we're crazy, but crazy in love at this point) is that on Father's Day, we picked up our 8 week old yellow lab we named Molson (as in Molson Golden Canadian...the beer...seems fitting and my Canadian husband of course loves it).

But with some up's also come some downs...one is that we miss my parents and their help and support. It was a blessing to have them here with us for so many months and we don't know how we would've made it thru without them.  But the biggest down, by far though is something i just found out yesterday with an appointment with my surgeon.  There is a possibility that i will need yet again another surgery.  This would be my 5th back surgery.  Not a track record i'm proud of or boasting about.  As you know, on March 27 i broke my T12 transverse process clear thru left to right thru solid bone.  Solid bone!  The surgeon has no idea how that even happened because that bone is apparently a very big, thick one.  In any event, i somehow broke it...which landed me back in the hospital for 8 days and then inpatient rehab for a month.  I've been wearing this clamshell brace religiously and despite that, the fracture has still not healed.  He said that if it does not heal within the next 2 months, that i will need a complete revision of what he did during my second surgery.  He would have to remove all of the rods and screws he worked so hard to "install" and then extend the fusion up all the way, top to bottom, literally.  He nor I want to have to go thru that again.  It was that second surgery that really put me over the edge last time so the thought of having to do it all again is just too much sometimes.

Like i said when i created this blog, i'm using it as an outlet - sometimes a 'venting to get it out' outlet and sometimes an information outlet for others who just may have go through this at some point.  I try to be upbeat and optimistic but i'm not going to lie - it's a "long and narrow road" and sometimes it just baffles me how much my body if failing me.  I'm doing everything i can but it's still not "listening" (lol)....this fracture HAS TO HEAL - - and if it doesn't, then i will have another surgery. 

SERENITY PRAYER



God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

Thank you in advance for the continued prayers!