Keep on keepin' on...

Today is a tough day – tougher than other days have been for some reason.  Im in alot more pain and i'm a whole lot more emotional.  I can literally cry at the drop of a hat.  I’m trying to stay positive (God knows i'm trying) but today it’s just harder to do for some reason.  Sometimes, we have “loose ends” with people in our lives - people we love and miss very much – people we wish we could see and talk to more often.  That’s where I am today.  I suppose anything is possible but in this situation, it’s not likely that I’ll be tying up my loose ends before Tuesday.  It’s just “one of those days” – cloudy and cold outside, exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally – I’m just so tired. 

With just 2 days left until my first surgery, the months of preparations have come to an end:  weekly blood donations (4 total), several pre-op visits with the surgeon, an afternoon of pre-admission tests at the hospital, filling out endless and repetitive disability and FML paperwork, making lists for this and that, and cleaning the house (Oh Lord, the cleaning!!) – I feel like if I stop, even for just 3 minutes, I’ll either do one of two things: (1) pass out from sheer exhaustion, or (2) get all rammed up and start feeling my heart in my throat again (not a good feeling).  So with that, I clean and organize and re-arrange and re-organize!!  Everything!!  I completely understand why I’m doing it though.  It’s because I can control some aspects of this situation (how organized or clean my house feels, for example), but what I can’t control are these surgeries and what lies ahead for me and my family.  And anyone who knows me knows I’m the poster child for a “Type A” person.  When I stop and sit – just really sit, alone with my own thoughts, that’s when the real feelings and fears creep back into my head and the tears start falling.  It is a conscious decision (and a very difficult one at times) for me to go into this with only positive thoughts, but I’m trying.  Lord knows I am trying. 

The saying "ignorance is bliss" has taken on a whole new meaning for me because it really IS.  This isn’t my first time down this road.  There are plenty of things I wish I didn’t remember about those other 2 surgeries, but unfortunately I can’t un-remember them (and yes, I know that’s not a word!)  Going into this blind would be better I think than to go into it knowing what I know and what I experienced. 

So with that, I am officially surrendering all of this to God. I give it all to Him. I have taken all that I can at this point and am now ready and willing to move forward and do this.  I'm at the point where my mind, body and spirit simply cannot hold another single thought or "what if" or fear/anxiety.  As my Mom reminded me of something she heard in church referring to giving all of your fears and burdens over to God:  "I can't - You can - You promised."  And so with that, I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer.  The abbreviated version is the one most are familiar with but here is the original version:







God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.