4 Days Til Surgery #7, on July 23, 2013

With just 4 days looming, my thoughts are very conscientiously being rerouted from ones of fear and "what if" to those which envelope optimism, positive thoughts and ONLY positive outcomes. It's all I can do to carry on a conversation without excusing myself to use the restroom (again, sorry TMI) but my nerves always do and always have gotten the best of me. I've always had the so-called "nervous stomach," every since I was in early elementary school. A family of worriers are we...lol...we put on a good 'game face,' but underneath it all, we're all pretty terrified each and every time I hear my orthopedic or neurosurgeon say "I'm sorry but you need surgery to fix this." From past experience, which is all we have to draw upon, my 'luck' hasn't been the best...but despite the numerous set backs and issues that arose during my last surgery in November 2012, I'm still here...still kickin...still putting one foot in front of the other...that's all I really CAN do...sometimes it's not one day at a time, more likely it's one hour and in really bad times, it's one minute at a time...

I've revisited this thought before but I find it necessary for myself to revisit it again...we all have our 'journey' in life. Some of our journeys are filled with laughter, excitement, happiness and smiles. Other journeys in our life take us down some scary and unfamiliar paths, and those paths stir up in us a sense of fear, sadness, trepidation and tears. It really isn't a matter of "being dealt a bad hand" in life or of not having good luck in life. It has nothing to do with those things. It has everything to do with your state of mind and how you choose to handle these journeys life throws at us - - and it is a choice. You can choose to be a prisoner of your journey or path and say "Oh poor me, look at all the difficult things I've had to overcome in my life." OR you can choose to DO something and MAKE something of your journey in life and say "Ok, here we go again...we did it last time, we will get through it again. Let's just hang on tight and do our best to come out on top." I often joke and say "Man, I must've been a prostitute or murderer in a past life - what did I do in my previous life to make God so mad at me that he'd 'make me' go through all these surgeries??" We get a good laugh out of it because we know it has nothing to do with 'past lives' or making God mad. It just IS - plain and simple. I have a choice every single day - to either give up or fight. I can't give up because, uh, well I have a 4 and 6 yr old who are counting on me and quite frankly, giving up isn't an option - it's just not in my DNA to 'give up.' So that leaves the only other option, which is to fight. Fight once again through this next obstacle, this hurdle we need to jump over in order to make it to the finish line. I know there is some profound "lesson" that I'm undoubtedly supposed to "learn" from all of these obstacles in my life, these journeys and paths that have been anything but straight and narrow. I feel like I've been paddling upstream with a teaspoon my whole life when it comes to scoliosis but what can ya do but just get through it? It's difficult, yes - it's painful, yes - it's gotten me down mentally, yes and it has tried my strength mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually - yes, yes, yes and yes. But I must make one point perfectly clear: Crying in your cereal and whining about it doesn't change the reality of your situation so just do your best to get it together, focus and don't give up - never, ever give up.

So what's funny about this (and all that I write) is that I'm not saying it to be 'preachy' or anything. I'm almost in a way trying to re-instill what I'm writing into my own beliefs again, so I don't forget what it is i'm trying to remember to believe in! LOL! It's easy to forget and loose focus and so when I write and get it all out on "paper" so to speak, I am reminding myself of what it is that I don't want to forget. 

So with that - and with just 4 days left until surgery, I am trying not to loose focus on what is important and what it is that we hope to accomplish with this next (and God-willing LAST surgery)...my children first and foremost, are the most important two little people in my life. They are so little and so courageous. They know Mommy is going to the hospital because she needs her boo-boo's fixed again, but they also know that through all of the unknowns inherent within this next surgery, what IS constant and what IS known is that they are loved, secure and will always have people who love them and have their best interests at heart in their lives. My husband, my strong and supportive husband, who has been through as much as I have over the years with all of this, is my rock - he is always there for me in whatever capacity I may need him and for that I am eternally grateful. And then of course, there are my parents, who have literally given up months on end for me and my family, dropping everything often times with little or no warning, so that they could come up and be with us helping us out with everything and anything imaginable. Without their help and support, my family and I would literally NOT be able to get through everything we've gotten through. True angels here on earth.