2 years ago today...

Two days ago today, I was sitting in my room, looking out my window and wondering "how did I get here? why did all of this happen?" I was questioning the reasons "why" and "how", which at the time, was completely normal. In a way, I was processing the stages of grief, going through a 'loss' so to speak - Wasn't in Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. I can say that I did, unequivocally, go through each and every stage, some longer than others, before I got to the place I am today - complete acceptance of my life's journey with the painful, pain in the butt condition. Two years ago today, I sat in my room looking out the window questioning all of the things I couldn't change wondering how my life would turn out when all was said and done. I spent 6 weeks at Magee Rehab Hospital recuperating from that terrible fracture sustained 6 wks post op from my first double-surgeries 1 and 2 in Jan/Feb of 2012. Breaking my back was such a significant set back in my life, and what made it worse was that it occurred during therapy (of which I am one!) and of all places, it occurred in my home, not in some rehab gym or outpatient center. It was not only embarrassing but it made me feel so stupid, admitting to people when they asked "How did you break your back? Were you in a car accident?" At which point I would answer with my head down and my voiced faded (hoping they weren't really listening and wouldn't even hear me), and say "No, I broke it in therapy....in my house....ya know, with those "safe" therapists?? The ones that come to your house?? Yeah, with one of those." Over and over, each time I said that to someone, I would say it a little louder and a little louder each time, although I didn't really notice it at the time, until finally I was able to say it with an audible tone and with sense of "yeah so what"ness about me. Hell, now I yell it!! "I BROKE MY BACK 6 WKS AFTER THE BIGGEST BACK-TO-BACK SURGERIES OF MY LIFE WHILE IN HOME THERAPY WITH MY PT!!! YEP, I REALLY DID!!" LoL. It helps to have a sense of humor (and a big bottle of wine doesn't hurt either!)

2 years ago today, I was not the woman I am now. 2 years ago today, I was depressed, crying, in a ton of pain, unsure of my future and unsure if I would ever be able to walk my kids to the bus stop or go to my son's soccer game (walking on grass, which is harder than you think! Break your back and try it ;) Not so easy) Back then, I was unable to really 'believe' things would be ok -- and as life would have it, things would NOT be ok later on that year and even into 2013 when I would undergo another THREE surgeries and fight off incredible complications including double pnuemonia, plueral effusions, 2 weeks of bone rattling chills and with a broken back it was excruciatingly painful, 104-105 degree fevers (Yep, adults really CAN get fevers that high) and then to really make things interesting, I'd spend 7 months suffering from what I thought was sinus headaches - I even had sinus surgery in an attempt to get rid of the unbearable 24/7 headaches, double vision and serious hearing loss....like in a wind tunnel or laying in the tube of an MRI....'wooosh wooosh wooosh'....I was told it might be migraines and then I was told it was definitely not migraines....it was no migraine alright...it was the direct result of what turned out to be a very large cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) leak and resultant headache. I felt like all I did for almost 3 years was climb mountains...and when I got to the top of one, I'd have to climb another one...it was hard for me to be optimistic, hopeful or live with a feeling of true belief and faith - to admit to anything less would be lying. I am not the person I was 2 years ago, but the person I was 2 years ago today helped shaped the person I am today. Today I am a woman who still struggles with some pain, and even different pain in different places but it is NOTHING like the pain pre-surgery or the disabling life I wasn't able to live. I am not only functional I am LIVING. I am no longer a spectator sitting on the sidelines of my children's lives....No, today - 2 years later, I am a busy Mom with a 5 and 7 yr old - I am a Mom who can have a catch with lacrosse stix and a ball with her 7 yr old son, or kick (GENTLY) a soccer ball with her 5 yr old daughter. I am a Mom who is able to walk her children to the bus stop, take a bike ride or go to the park - - 3 things that if you said 2 years ago today to me I would say you were crazy. 

The difference between who I was 2 years ago today and the person I am now is immense: I am active (but still definitely need to rest, and I do!!), I am living my life not watching it pass me by, I am providing a much more stable and healthy environment for my children to grow up in. I am a more positive, confident, happy woman - I am a better Mother to those 2 beautiful kids. I believe my past has no doubt, shaped who I am today - - Today, having gone through my own personal hell on earth - - going through all of that given me the confidence to take any challenge (physical OR mental) head on and with great confidence. I am grateful for the hoops I had to jump through NOW because each ''hoop'' at the end of the race was like my own personal Olympics, 5 hoops (rings) for the 5 unbelievable surgeries I went through in 18 months time. Each step each day during each therapy session felt like by the end of the race, like I had run up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum like Rocky did. I "ran" my own races and struggled with my own demons (physical and psychological) - - and in the end, I won. I got my life back, and I am now LIVING my life. I never want to ever go back, but without ever having lived through "2 years ago today," I never would've been able to say "2 years from now...."